Whose Triforce is it anyways?
by Mystic Deity
Summary: Seventh Edition rated R for Gannondorf's dirty, dirty mouth! ^_^
1. First Edition

My first humor story! Perhaps future chapters will be posted if people like it. Beware of sudden attacks of OOC and random author inserts.  
  
"Whose Triforce is it anyways?"  
  
*camera opens up on Rauru and music starts up. Rauru is standing in an applauding audience with a microphone in his… sleeve*  
  
Rauru: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are… the hero of time, Link! The hero of boredom, Princess Zelda! The hero of annoying, selfish, stuck-up, procrastinating, bitchy…  
  
Ruto: We get the point Rauru!  
  
Rauru: Yes… anyways, and finally the hero of well… darkness? Gannondorf!  
  
Link, Zelda, and Ruto: GANNONDORF?  
  
Ganon: I've been sitting next to the Princess now for the last half going over the rules and you just notice?  
  
Zelda: uh… well… *starts scooting closer to Link*  
  
Ganon: and they say Hylian blonds are supposed to be smarter…  
  
*drums to finish the joke play out of nowhere and laughter is heard, but the camera is still on Rauru and the audience and no one is laughing*  
  
Rauru: Would you all stop interrupting me up there! Anyways, I'm your host, the hero of Whose Triforce is it anyways, Rauru. Come on down… and for the goddesses' sake lets get this over with!  
  
*camera goes down to the 4 performers. Link is trying to strangle Gannondorf and Ruto and Zelda are cheering him on*  
  
Rauru: Darunia! Get out here and separate them now!!  
  
Darunia: *runs out with a Jerry Springer security shirt on* Comin'!!!!  
  
*Darunia pulls Link off of Gannondorf and sets him down in the chair, then gets a chair and sits between the two of them, crosses his arms*  
  
Link: Grrrrr…  
  
Ganon: Grrr…  
  
Zelda & Ruto: aww…  
  
Rauru: Stop it! All of you! Now for all you first time watchers, I say a game, and they make up everything on the spot. Simple as that. Now of course we aren't getting paid, but our *ahem* favorite author in the world has guaranteed our livelihood in her book, Phantoms of Echoes so that's payment enough.  
  
Ruto: Oh yeah, I guess that's why….  
  
Mystic: *jumps in and covers her mouth, glaring at her* One word and I replace that person with you. Then I replace you in this story too…  
  
Ruto: *nods sadly*  
  
Mystic: *jumps out, waving at the scowling audience before leaving*  
  
Rauru: Are we ever going to start this?! Now then, its time for our first game! It's called "The dating show". Gannondorf, you're going to be an available bachelor, and Link, Zelda, and Ruto are going to be young girls vying for his attention. But the catch is, each of them has a weird identity on a card. It's Gannondorf's job to guess their identities at the end of the game.  
  
Zelda: But I don't even want to pretend to like Gannondorf…  
  
Ruto: Me neither...  
  
Link: Me neither… wait a minute, I'm not a young girl! And I'm sure as hell not going to pretend to be one!  
  
Ruto: Oh come on Link, you don't have to be a young girl, you're gay anyways.  
  
Link: I am NOT gay!  
  
Ruto: You refused the love of not one, but TWO princesses, a ranch maiden, a 10-year-old girl that would do ANYTHING for you, a woman who likes little boys, and even more. Do I have to go on? You're gay!  
  
Zelda: She has a good point Link…  
  
Link: ……….  
  
Rauru: Get on the damn chairs and play your stupid parts! I don't have time to deal 3 winy babies and the most evil man in Hyrule history!  
  
Ganon: Then why are you here?  
  
Rauru: Err… *beeps his buzzer a couple of times and they all go down to the stools* Now start! *buzzes again*  
  
Ganon: *starts acting like a prissy schoolboy* Uh… like… contestant number one?  
  
Link: *opens his card, it reads: Nabooru* Yes o' wonderful leader…  
  
Ganon: Leader huh? I like the sound of that!  
  
Rauru: *buzz* Stay in character!  
  
Ganon: Oh yeah *ahem* So like, if I wanted you, would you take me?  
  
Link: *proudly speaks* not unless you're a little boy that I can take advantage of easily!  
  
Everyone else: *gasp*  
  
Link: *looks around* What? I'm just in character!  
  
Rauru: *buzz* Unless you're supposed to be acting like yourself, act more in character! *buzz* continue on!  
  
Ganon: *shuddering* Okay, like, contestant number two?  
  
Ruto: *opens her card, it reads: your fat, lazy father. She looks around* Okay who wrote the damn cards!?  
  
Rauru: *buzz* Can't we have one minute of continuous improvisation here?  
  
Ruto: Sorry, Rauru! *tries to get in character, still mad* Why hello there, little bachelorette!  
  
Ganon: hmm… same question!  
  
Ruto: *starts slowly moving across the stool. After 2 minutes of moving, she stops and sighs* Um well, I believe I would have to be on bottom, seeing as your fragile body could not withstand me or my humongous di…  
  
Ganon: Oh my! Say no more, little bachelor *mumbling* damn I hate that buzzer…  
  
Ruto: *shaking and whispering to herself* please forgive me daddy…  
  
Ganon: *hears Ruto and chuckles* little bachelorette number 3!  
  
Zelda: *opens the card, it reads: Masochist, sighs* If I must… *narrows her eyes, suddenly looking VERY mean* What is it, healthy looking thing?  
  
Ganon: um… yeah. If you could go out with one person who would it be, Link or Mystic's boyfriend?  
  
Zelda: Neither one would last a night with me and if they did they would be pretty beat in the morning!  
  
Ganon: *eyes widen* um… right…  
  
Rauru: *buzz* Okay Gannondorf, can you guess their identities?  
  
Ganon: Hey, the guys on Whose Line is it Anyways get 2 rounds through!  
  
Rauru: No second round, we don't have the time since you guys can't stay in character!  
  
All 4: *sweat drop*  
  
Rauru: Okay, Ganon, who are they?  
  
Ganon: Well… contestant number one is Link, the hero of gayness  
  
Link: WHAT??? I don't act like that and I'm not gay!  
  
Rauru: Close enough… but just to get it right… she's your second-in-command at the Gerudo Desert.  
  
Ganon: oh right! That little bitchy wench!  
  
Nabooru: *stands up in the audience* WHAT WAS THAT??? Link acted nothing like me!!!  
  
Rauru: Come on… this is only supposed to fill a 25 minute time slot on the Fox network, so sit down Nabooru! Now Ganon, who's number two?  
  
Ganon: King Zora, no problem… although I don't know how Ruto would know how big her father's di…  
  
Rauru: *buzz* we get the point, Ganon, and number 3?  
  
Ganon: Zelda is… um… a prostitute?  
  
Ruto: No, that's her real life identity!  
  
Zelda: Bitch!  
  
Ruto: Cross-dresser!  
  
Zelda: stuck-up!  
  
Ruto: you're the same way!  
  
Zelda: Whore!  
  
Ruto: Princess of the prostitutes!  
  
Rauru: THAT'S ENOUGH! Now then, Ganon, she likes to inflict pain in others.  
  
Ganon: me?  
  
Rauru: she derives pleasure from pain.  
  
Ganon: again, me?  
  
Rauru: a masochist! It's a masochist! Don't they teach you anything in the desert?  
  
Ganon: actually, all I ever learned was black magic and how to steal….  
  
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz* Okay back to your seats, next game up!  
  
Link: What about our points?  
  
Rauru: the point system is too stupid and you all ARE too stupid to actually win points anyways! Plus they don't even matter!  
  
All 4: Oh yeah…  
  
Rauru: Our next game is World's worst. I'll give you a subject and you tell me the world's worst about it. Is that too hard? *they all shake their heads* and maybe you'll stay in character too… oh wait there are no characters in this one! Perfect!  
  
*everyone lines up above the stair and awaits their first subject*  
  
Rauru: World's worst battle cries  
  
Ganon: I'm Link, the hero of gayness!!!  
  
*audience starts laughing*  
  
Link: Hey!!!  
  
Zelda: I will do you all to hell with my great big sword!  
  
Ruto: The feeling is coming back!  
  
Rauru: what?  
  
Ruto: I heard it on Dead or Alive 2, okay?  
  
Rauru: Okay, World's worst TV shows  
  
*all four step off and point to the huge sign above the chairs that says "Whose Triforce is it anyways?", everyone bursts out laughing*  
  
Link: We have interrupted your daily show for a 10 hours speech given by Princess Zelda at her castle!  
  
Zelda: grrrrr… Now presenting, The legend of Zelda: Majora's mask the TV show!  
  
All: NOOOOOO!! Anything but that!!!!!  
  
*everyone laughs again*  
  
Link: it wasn't THAT bad!  
  
All except Link: yes it was!  
  
Ruto: Skullkid's ocarina playing hour!  
  
Rauru: World's worst dates!  
  
Link: *steps down and the audience bursts out laughing before he can even say anything, steps back up with his head lowered*  
  
Zelda: Gannondorf!  
  
Ganon: Zelda!  
  
Ruto: Both of them!  
  
Zelda and Ganon: Ruto!  
  
All 4: Rauru!!  
  
Rauru: okay… that's enough of that! World's worst pairings with Link.  
  
Zelda: Saria!  
  
Link: Hey! That's my best friend you're talking about!  
  
Ruto: me again! I don't want to end up with a homo!  
  
Link: I'm NOT gay!  
  
Ganon: me againfor all for you sick authors!  
  
Link: Ruto and Zelda!  
  
Zelda: Malon!  
  
Link: Hey… she is pretty cute!  
  
Malon: *stands up in audience* yeah! I have a chance! *sits back down*  
  
Rauru: that was interesting… okay World's worst… Zelda games?  
  
Ganon: The legend of Zelda: Link's sexuality quest!  
  
Link: I'M NOT GAY!!!  
  
Ruto: The Legend of Zelda: Zelda's cross dressing adventure!  
  
Zelda: I thought everyone liked Sheik, you whore!  
  
Link: only in Super Smash Bros. Melee!  
  
Ruto: Princess of the bitches!  
  
Zelda: Princess of the whores!  
  
Ruto: homo liker!  
  
Zelda: hey! You liked him too!  
  
Ruto: Hylian bitch!  
  
Zelda: Zora whore!  
  
Rauru: Either come up with some better insults or shut up!  
  
*both of them step back in silence*  
  
Ganon: The second Zelda title for the Nintendo  
  
Link: how could they put me in a side-scrolling game anyways?  
  
Zelda: The Legend of Zelda: Insert Gamecube title here!  
  
Link: they make me look like a cartoon! I want my Super Smash Bros. Melee body back!  
  
All 4: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask!  
  
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz* Okay nice job, now go sit down!  
  
*they all take a seat, laughing their heads off*  
  
Rauru: Next game will be… a Hoedown!  
  
*audience goes ecstatic as each of them line up again*  
  
Rauru: Okay, I'm afraid to ask this, but any suggestions audience?  
  
Girl: Link's sexual preference!  
  
Boy: Reasons not to date Zelda!  
  
Nabooru: Why Ganon and Link should both die!  
  
Malon: Who should date link!  
  
Rauru: That sounds good, your subject is who should date Link! Go ahead with the music… take it away Skullkid!  
  
Ruto: Like I really think I should be dating Link  
  
It's not cuz his hair is greasy like a skating rink!  
  
No, I could never date Link right today  
  
Kay, because we all know that Link is gay!  
  
*audience claps and laughs*  
  
Zelda: I wanted to date Link since I was 10 years old  
  
Sitting by quest after quest he was looking so bold  
  
….I know I can't because of what Ruto does say  
  
Ah… Link is now and forever will be gay!  
  
*audience claps and laughs harder*  
  
Link: I will never date a princess, they are so stuck up  
  
Every time I think of one I want to really up chuck  
  
There is one girl I want to date, who's as gentle as a fawn  
  
She's cute and nice and sings, her name is Malon!  
  
*Malon is the only one cheering*  
  
Link: and I'm NOT gay!!!  
  
Ganon: Hmm… Saying Link is gay is really cool  
  
Oh, but all I want to do is conquer Hyrule  
  
My plans won't start until the beginning of may  
  
Oh, I'll just end by saying Link is gay!  
  
All except Link: *still singing* Link… is… gay!  
  
*audience is roaring in laughter*  
  
Rauru: *near tears, he's laughing so hard* Okay, that was great! Well that's all the time we have for this episode of "Whose Triforce is it anyways?"! There is no winner and no credits anyways! Good night everybody!  
  
  
  
Mystic: So.. what do you guys think?  
  
Impa: Why wasn't I in it?  
  
Mystic: because you're emotionless and boring!  
  
Impa: oh…  
  
Elly: I thought it was cute!  
  
Cloud: who cares…?  
  
Mystic: so can you guys edit it before we send it to fox?  
  
Impa: we already did… couldn't you tell?  
  
Mystic: Hehe… well you didn't edit one thing out!  
  
Cloud: what's that?  
  
Mystic: Read the first letters of Ruto's, Zelda's, and Ganon's hoedowns and see what it spells!  
  
Impa: You realize Link really isn't gay, in fact in your book he gets together with…  
  
Mystic: *covers her mouth* would you people NOT spoil it! And yes I know…  
  
Link: *pops back in crying* then why'd you put it!  
  
Cloud: !@#$%%, you wussy! Can't you say something better!?  
  
Elly: Where'd that come from…?  
  
Cloud: Bent up tension from Cid…  
  
Link: answer me!  
  
Mystic: Never question an author!  
  
(P.S.. Cloud (from FF7) and Elly (from Xenogears, yeah I'm a traitor to Nintendo.. I'm a squaresoft fan) are really friends of mine, who like me, don't want their REAL name online! R&R please!) 


	2. Second Edition

The second edition! Enjoy!  
  
"Whose Triforce is it anyways?"  
  
*lights come on and the camera zooms in on Rauru again, whose standing in the audience with his microphone*  
  
Rauru: It's Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are… from the back of the barn, Malon; from the back of the alley, Link; from the back of the castle walls, Zelda; and a pain in all of our backs, Gannondorf!  
  
Malon: *hangs on to Link's arm* Hello honey!  
  
Link: *embarrassed* Hi…  
  
Ganon: Where'd the blue one go?  
  
Ruto: *stands up from her audience seat next to Nabooru* I didn't want to because I don't want to play with the Princess of the bitches!  
  
Zelda: whore!  
  
Ruto: hooters girl!  
  
Zelda: playboy bunny!  
  
Ruto: contestant a Fox network reality show!  
  
Zelda: That hurts, Ruto… that really hurts!  
  
Rauru: no more interruptions, traitor! Now let's quickly get to our first game before I have to bring out Darunia again AND my secret weapon!  
  
Link: You didn't…  
  
Zelda: Why did you…  
  
Ganon & Malon: Who the hell are you guys talking about?  
  
Rauru: Anyways, our first game is weird newscasters. Link, you're the host of a nightly news broadcast. Malon, you're his co-anchor and you are… *reads the card* aw man.. you're obsessed with Link…  
  
Malon: yay!  
  
Rauru: Gannondorf, you're the sportscasters and you're in the middle of a Kentucky horse race. Zelda you're the weathergirl and you're being attacked by a hoard of Stalfos.  
  
*everyone nods and the music starts and the camera narrows in on Link, who has Malon already on his back, brushing his hair*  
  
Link: Welcome to the 1o'clock news, I'm your straight as an arrow anchor man, the wielder of the master sword.. the…  
  
Malon: it's the biggest master sword I've ever seen!  
  
Link: *blushes* oh yeah.. and this is my co-anchor, Malon! Why don't you get off of my and tell the top story!  
  
Malon: *jumps back onto her stool and lays her head again Link, petting his shoulder* Our top story of the day: Link is really good in bed! *lays over his lap*  
  
Link: *looks at Rauru and mouths out "she's scaring me"*  
  
Rauru: *shrugs and grins*  
  
Malon: and our second top story is, Link has really big di…  
  
Link: AND now for our sports report let's turn to the Gerudo's sex toy, Gannondork!  
  
Ganon: I'll get you back later for th.. *camera zooms in on him, starts pretending to run in place, looking back every so often* In sports today the Hylian homos scored big time in overtime with help from their pitcher from Lon Lon ranch! No one knows how, but source say….. OUCH… OH DAMNIT! *pretends to get trampled over by horses and throws himself to the ground, twitching every so often…  
  
Link: *is now REALLY blushing as Malon's head is faced down between his legs* Um.. yeah… let's go to… the Princess of the bitches, Zelda! Our local weathergirl!  
  
Zelda: *pretending to hold a sword in her hand, pointing to an imaginary board* There's a lot of activity reported in the central Hyrule field area, near Lon Lon Ranch, that includes high temperatures and sporadic highs and lows! And… *pretends to sword fight with a Stalfos* there's a… high chance of soggy… ground.. later.. *now is parrying with two Stalfos, brings the fight into the audience and pretends to accidentally slice an audience member's head off* Oops!  
  
Link: well that's all we have time fo…. MALON!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE!  
  
Zelda: *from the audience still* he doesn't like THAT? Told you he was gay!  
  
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz* Not to shabby for once!  
  
*Link and Malon put the stools away and everyone sits down*  
  
Rauru: again… no points awarded, just be glad you're still alive!  
  
Malon: hehe… Link's master sword is getting taller!  
  
Link: AH! *crosses his legs, blushing*  
  
Zelda: You know if you stopped wearing spandex you would be fine!  
  
Rauru: Okay our next game is Questons Only. You guys will act out a scene 2 at a time but the catch is you can only use questions to speak to each other. Ready?  
  
*they all stand up and Zelda and Link go on one side and Malon and Gannondorf go on the other*  
  
Rauru: *buzz* Okay the scene is you guys are at school and dealing with drugs! Go! *buzz*  
  
Link: do you want some smack?  
  
Malon: couldn't you just smack me in the ass?  
  
Link: do you know what smack is?  
  
Malon: do you know how to smack someone in the ass?  
  
Link: eerrr…um… yes?  
  
*Rauru buzzes him out and Zelda replaces him*  
  
Zelda: want some crack?  
  
Malon: can you see the cracks in your face?  
  
Zelda: do you want to see my fist in your face?  
  
Malon: Bring it on, bitch! *covers her mouth* oh man!  
  
*buzz buzz… and Gannondorf comes in*  
  
Zelda: have you every tried crack?  
  
Ganon: have I?  
  
Zelda: do you remember if you have?  
  
Ganon: would I remember if I did?  
  
Zelda: will you try some again?  
  
Ganon: don't you have to be in class?  
  
Zelda: are you the principal?  
  
Ganon: aren't you a student?  
  
Zelda: what if I am?  
  
Ganon: shouldn't you be in class?  
  
Zelda: shouldn't you be in the evil realm trapped away for all eternity?  
  
Ganon: welll…. *buzz* figures!  
  
Zelda: *does a little dance, cheering*  
  
Link: did you know you can't dance?  
  
Zelda: aren't you supposed to be in class too?  
  
Link: don't you know who I am?  
  
Zelda: am I supposed to know?  
  
Link: do you know what a hero of time is?  
  
Zelda: a wussy!  
  
*Zelda proudly walks back before the buzz sounds, Rauru buzzes again*  
  
Rauru: Okay, nice job again! You guys are on a roll this time! We might have time for more games too!  
  
Malon: Hey I wanted to go up again! You never let me do it with Link!  
  
Zelda: you can't actually "do it" with him at all! He's gay!  
  
Malon: oh yeah? Explain this then? *holds out a picture of Link on top of Zelda's lap with only whitey tighties on when he was 10 years old* You still think he's gay after THAT?  
  
Zelda: Where'd you get that you lon lon whore?! *tackles her and the two start brawling*  
  
*both start rolling around the floor with Ganon and Link whooping, the audience joins in*  
  
Rauru: guess I spoke too soon… DARUNIA!  
  
*Darunia comes out with his Jerry Springer T-shirt again, glaring at them both before grabbing them by the necks and separating the girls*  
  
Rauru: Now comes your punishment… the secret weapon!  
  
All: Please no!!!  
  
*a little 'tee hee hee' can be heard as Saria steps out with an ocarina in her hands, Rauru conducts her as she starts playing her song on the ocarina. Immediately, Darunia starts dancing with both girls' necks still in his hands*  
  
Zelda/Malon: HELP US!!!!  
  
Darunia: Can't… stop… dancing! Hot! Hot! Hot!  
  
Rauru: We'll be right back after this short commercial from our new sponsors!  
  
*lights fade out and fade back in on Link, who's holding a small bottle of medicine in his hands*  
  
Link: yeah, that's right, it's the hero of time here! I'm standing here to talk to you about viagra!  
  
Voice in the distance: Why the hell do you need Viagra, you're 17 years old!  
  
Link: Glad you asked! The disease that forces men to use Viagra can effect even people my age! And it doesn't help that the only girls I have to attempt to turn me on are all bitches!  
  
Malon: hey! What about me, Link?  
  
Link: Ah… let's face it, you're a whore too…  
  
Zelda: I can't turn you on huh? What about two nights ago! You couldn't keep yourself down!  
  
Ruto: and what about 3 nights ago with me! I swear it took an eternity to settle you down!  
  
Nabooru: What about last night, huh? You were touching the moon with your gigantic di…  
  
Girl: What? You were cheating on me with HER, Link?  
  
Link: *backs away, holding his arms up* wait a minute… I can explain!  
  
*all the girls start chasing him out of the room and the screen goes black. The little bottle is shown with Viagra in clear letters*  
  
Announcer: Viagra…it's not my fault you can't turn me on anymore!  
  
*screen fades back to the set of Whose Triforce is it anyways. Darunia is sitting in his usual place, Saria is back in the audience, and Zelda and Malon both have neck braces on. Everyone is now sitting down*  
  
Rauru: That was disturbing… now on to our next game! Video dating service! Zelda and Link, and Gannondorf and Malon are going to get two separate boxes of hats and they each have to pretend they're people looking for love on a dating service. *he hands out the boxes* Malon, Gannondorf, you're first!  
  
Malon: *puts on a sailor hat* why don't we go below and we can swab the deck all night!  
  
Link: *wearing a tiara* My name is princess Zelda… I haven't had a date in 8 years because I'm obsessed with a spandex wearing Hylian!  
  
*Zelda starts choking Link but as soon as Darunia stands up, they both settle down*  
  
Ganon: *has a peter pan hat on* Age isn't the only thing that stands still in never ever land!  
  
Zelda: *puts on a Stalfos mask* I'm a guaranteed boner!  
  
Malon: *whips on a Keaton Mask* 5 tails, that's right, 5 tails… think about that!  
  
Audience: ???  
  
Link: *transforms using the Zora mask: I'll take ANYONE except the Princess of the Zoras, ANYONE!!!!  
  
Ruto: Why you little….!!!!  
  
Rauru: Down, Ruto, down!  
  
Ganon: *puts on the Gerudo mask* I'm looking for a nice young, healthy boy. Between the ages of 5 and 10 and…  
  
Rauru: *buzz buzz* I do NOT want Ruto and Nabooru down here starting trouble!  
  
Nabooru: Actually Gannondorf's not too far off! *sits back down*  
  
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz* Enough is enough! That's it! Back to your seats! This is getting too disturbing!!!  
  
*everyone puts the boxes away and sits back down*  
  
Rauru: Okay, our next game of the night is the outgoing broadcaster! Link here is going to stand in front of a green screen. Everyone but him will be able to see what's going on behind him. All he will see is green, thus the name green screen.  
  
Zelda: are you trying to crack a joke, or do you think the audience is that stupid?  
  
Rauru: Are you trying to get killed in Mystic's book or do you think I'm stupid? Now laugh!  
  
*she starts laughing hysterically*  
  
Rauru: now then… just because of that, Malon and Gannondorf will be your correspondents in the studio. They'll hopefully help you figure out what you're reporting on.  
  
*Malon and Gannondorf grab stools and sit down*  
  
Rauru: okay you guys can begin!  
  
Malon: *whispering* I heard Mystic is pulling all of our legs and that the person who dies in her book actually is on the show!  
  
Ganon: *whispers* let's just all hope it's Zelda!  
  
Malon: Yeah! I mean.. *looks at the camera* We've interrupted your live telecast of Link's bedroom follies to bring you this special bulletin!  
  
Ganon: We have Link in the field right now, deep in the situation, Link… *looks at the screen, trying not to laugh* can you hear us?  
  
Link: *behind him is a Brittney Spears concert* Yes I can!  
  
Malon: It must be really heard to hear through all that noise!  
  
Link: *starts pointing at random spots* well there's a little commotion here, but that's all, really!  
  
Ganon: So, can you tell us how this started? I personally thought scheduling for this performance was going to be a major problem!  
  
Malon: *whisper* what are you trying to do, you stupid Gerudo, give us away?  
  
Link: *running in place* it all started with a failed attempt at taking over Hyrule by Nabooru and then exploded after that!  
  
Malon: OH MY GOD! I didn't know she broke up with Justin Timberlake?  
  
Everyone: MALON!  
  
Rauru: *really upset* Oh thanks a lot… you've just given it away. Link, you're at a Brittany Spears concert. I can't believe someone would be stupid enough to say THAT? *starts having trouble breathing* I can't… believe… you… *passes out*  
  
Zelda: Rauru!!! *runs up to him* well don't just stand there! *looks at the camera man* turn that thing off and go get help!  
  
*footsteps can be heard as the camera guy sprints off but the camera is still on and running*  
  
Mystery girl *comes up in front of the camera with a microphone* well that's all the time we have for 'Whose Triforce is it anyways?'! Stay tuned for a rerun of Ally Mcbeal! I'm your new host, Marin Koholint!  
  
Link: Marin?? What are you doing here?  
  
Mystic: I brought her here as a present!  
  
Link: to me?  
  
Mystic: Well.. no one wants to see Rauru anymore and I think you've been called gay long enough  
  
Link: so you're going to finally admit that I'm straight?  
  
All: HELL NO!  
  
Zelda: wait.. you didn't do this to him on purpose, did you?  
  
Mystic: well…. It was Gannondorf's idea!  
  
All: Mystic….  
  
*everyone starts chasing after her as the scene closes. Third edition to maybe come out!* 


	3. Third Edition

You asked for it, so here it is! Season III: Whose Triforce is it anyways! Um. read my serious fanfiction too!!! Sorry about the great big delay! I've been gone for about 3 weeks with a camp. For the few who may actually have read "Phantoms of Echoes" chapters 4 and 5 will up within the next few days I hope.  
  
- ^_^ Whose Triforce is it Anyways?  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. But as their face lights up, it isn't Marin who is standing there. it's your favorite character from Majora's Mask!*  
  
Link: MYSTIC!!!!!! NO!!!!!  
  
Mystic: *turns on the lights, no one else knows who the person is* What's wrong, this person is perfect!  
  
Link: No way!!! You can't be serious!?  
  
Mystic: Come on! It's perfect, no more gay jokes for you, no more Rauru. and since I don't have a game boy, no pulling a character's personality like Marin's out of my a..  
  
Ganon: Don't you start that too!  
  
Ruto: *still in the audience* Wait. why no more gay jokes?  
  
Mystic: because you'll all have a new focus!  
  
Zelda: Some is worse than Link?  
  
All: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Link: It's true!  
  
Mystic: Oh let's just get this started!  
  
Link: But Mystic..  
  
Mystic: Start the fic over! Now!  
  
Whose Triforce is it Anyways?  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. But as their face lights up, it isn't Marin who is standing there. it's your favorite character from Majora's Mask!*  
  
Link: *grumble* how could you do this to me.  
  
New host guy: hee hee hee. welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways! I'm your new host for the show! I moved here from swamps just to host this show! And make some extra money. maps don't sell well these days since my main customer moved back to his old home!  
  
Link: I had to go back! I was only in Termina because that damn Skull kid stole my ocarina!  
  
Zelda: you mean MY ocarina!  
  
Link: hey, you gave it to me, remember?  
  
Zelda: and you just HAD to get it stolen, didn't you?  
  
Link: well if you wouldn't have butted in, in the first place, and given me the stupid thing again, this wouldn't have been a problem.  
  
Zelda: it wouldn't be a "Legend of Zelda" game if I wasn't in it!  
  
Link: What do you call the second title for the original Nintendo? It had MY name on it!  
  
Zelda: a mistake!  
  
Link: I didn't need your stupid ocarina anyways! I could have defeated the skull kid on my own!  
  
Zelda: with what? Your hollow head?  
  
Nabooru: Hey!! Stop it, both you kids! This is all Gannondorf's fault!  
  
Ganon: MY fault? What did I ever do??  
  
All: Do we have to answer that?  
  
Ganon: *sinks back into his chair* good point.  
  
New host: Annnyways! It's time to get started! Here tonight are the Goddesses' favorite scapegoat, Zelda! The Goddesses' favorite slave, Link! The Goddesses' favorite to kill, Gannondorf! And the Goddesses' favorite playboy playmate, Nabooru! I'm your host, Tingle! Tee hee hee, let's go!  
  
All cept Link: TINGLE???  
  
Link: see what I was talking about?  
  
Zelda: It's horrible.  
  
Ganon: It's evil.  
  
Nabooru: It's a middle-aged man dressed like a fairy wanna-be..  
  
All: NEW HOST OR WE BOYCOTT!!!!  
  
Mystic: You guys can't boycott because I'm THE author!  
  
All: LIKE HELL WE CAN!!!!  
  
*suddenly the lights go black again, all the laughing and the music stop and the entire area is like the center of a black hole, nothing*  
  
Mystic: How did you do that.?  
  
All: NEW HOST NOW!  
  
Mystic: fine. fine. you guys win. for now.  
  
*lights come back on and Tingle is gone, in replace of him is Ruto*  
  
Link: Ruto???  
  
Mystic: Hey, it's last minute! Now get going, we DO have a time limit you know! The Fox network only gives us so long!  
  
Zelda: Did it ever occur to you that ABC might treat us better? Look what they did for Who Wants to be a Millionaire!  
  
Mystic: They're owned by Disney.  
  
Zelda: So?  
  
Mystic: Could you go one episode without calling Link gay or saying that Gannondorf is a big di.  
  
Ganon: What was that???  
  
Link: *grumbles* like it matters. anyone who says it gets cut off by someone else. usually Gannondorf.  
  
Zelda: I see. *gets out a cheerleading outfit and pom poms* Let's go Fox Network!  
  
Mystic: That's more like it! Now get started! Let's try this one more time, starting after the introductions. at least Tingle did that right.  
  
*a rushed version of the music comes out and Ruto plops down in the chair, tries out the buzzer a quick couple of times, then smiles at the contestants*  
  
Ruto: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it Anyways, if you haven't seen the show before here's how it goes. I'll give them a game and some rules and they have to improvise everything on the spot. What makes this worse is these guys aren't professionals at all. At the end of the games, I give out points to appoint the winner at the end! Hey that was pretty funny, points to appoint!  
  
Zelda: Get over yourself you aquatic freak.  
  
Ruto: Damn you royal bitch.  
  
Zelda: Playboy bunny!  
  
Nabooru: I thought that was me?  
  
Ruto: Sage of time's end!  
  
Nabooru: I mean Tingle DID say I was the Goddesses' favorite  
  
Zelda: Sage of dirty water!  
  
Nabooru: I guess he was joking but I do kinda like the name!  
  
Ruto: Whore!  
  
Zelda: Slut!  
  
Ruto: Attracted to young ten-year-olds with small di.  
  
Link: Hey! I'm not THAT small down there!  
  
Zelda: How come she gets all the good comebacks. that really hurt Ruto.  
  
Ganon: Because you're a blonde?  
  
All: *wide-eyed, looks at Gannondorf*  
  
Link: did Gannondorf.  
  
Nabooru: Make a comeback.?  
  
Mystic: WOULD YOU GUYS START ALREADY!!!!  
  
Ruto: *quivering* Our first game is Superheroes! Link will come down and be a super hero based on what our gracious audience says.  
  
*Link steps down in the front of the audience and takes a bow*  
  
Ruto: He'll be trying to save the world from an unusual crisis with the help of his 3 superfriends: Nabooru, Gannondorf, and Zelda. They will name each other as they enter. Now, audience, what are we gonna name Link?  
  
Darunia: Big Bro man!  
  
Ruto: lame.  
  
Saria: Hero of time!  
  
Ruto: really lame.  
  
Malon: Powerpuff girl wanna-be!  
  
Ruto: hmm. not bad! Okay Link, you're the powerpuff girl wanna-be!  
  
Link: *grumble grumble*  
  
Ruto: *picks up a card* And the crisis is. ha. Majora's mask has been re- released by Nintendo for the gamecube but it has the graphics capacity of the original Nintendo.  
  
Zelda: is that possible? On the gamecube?  
  
Ganon: Can't it be a game that I'm in?  
  
Nabooru: I could say the same thing!  
  
Link: oh man. I don't wanna look that short again.  
  
Ruto: Stop complaining you guys! Start!  
  
Link: *acting like a little girl* Oh my god! It's almost my bedtime! I hope the professor doesn't catch me up this late at night! *makes a little phone ringing sound* The phone! It must be the mayor of townsville wanting MY help! *pretends to answer the phone* Mayor!? Miss Bellum?! MOM?! I told you never to call this line! This is the townsville phone! What? They released Majora's mask on Gamecube! Finally! They see the genius of the game! What was that? Its in original Nintendo form!? NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have to find something to do about this crisis or the people of townsville will be stupefied beyond imagination!  
  
*Zelda jumps into the screen, glaring at Link*  
  
Zelda: I got here as soon as I could, powerpuff-wannabe!  
  
Link: Thank the goddesses you're here, Super sensitive hearing girl!  
  
Zelda: *holds her ears* AAAAAHHHHH! Could you whisper or something???  
  
Link: *whispering* no time for formalities, they've released Majora's mask with original Nintendo graphics!  
  
Zelda: that's horrible, what are we gonna do?  
  
Link: we'll be washed up. finished. dead. doing "advance" games for the gba for the rest of our lives!!  
  
Zelda: *yelling* Link! Stay in character! *eyes widen, attempts to hold her ears again and groans* I . uh . mean. whatever! We need to do something!  
  
*Gannondorf jumps in looking all proud*  
  
Ganon: I hope I'm not late!  
  
Zelda: *whispering* Can you tone it down a bit, Captain Hug-a-lot!  
  
Ganon: *growls at Zelda, then goes over to her and gives her a bear hug, gritting his teeth* Of course!  
  
Link: Captain Hug-a-lot, they've made a Majora's mask for Gamecube in the original Nintendo graphics!  
  
Ganon: Who cares? *goes over and hugs Link really, really hard* I'm not in it!  
  
Ruto: *beep, beep* Stay in character!  
  
Ganon: Hey, do you see a Captain Hug-a-lot in Majora's mask? I don't think so.  
  
Ruto: *beep, beep, beep* Just get back to the game.  
  
Link: *gasping for air* I do! Townsville does! Oh man. its almost my bed time. I can't save the world after bedtime!  
  
Zelda: *holding her ears* please, please tone it down!!!  
  
Ganon: *releases Link and goes over and squeezes Zelda, whispering* No problem!  
  
Zelda: *gasping for air* thanks.  
  
*Nabooru jumps in, excitedly*  
  
Nabooru: I'm finally here!  
  
Ganon: Great! We need the help Boneless wonder!  
  
*Nabooru collapses to the ground and starts slithering towards the center of the screen*  
  
Nabooru: What happened now?  
  
Link: They've made a Majora's mask for Gamecube in the original Nintendo graphics!  
  
Nabooru: It's not like anyone would buy it even if the graphics were better!  
  
Link: It's not THAT bad!!!  
  
All: YES IT IS!!!!  
  
*Gannondorf cletches onto Nabooru and shakes her while hugging*  
  
Link: *grumble, grumble, grumble*  
  
*Gannondorf moves and holds onto Link again*  
  
Nabooru: Just don't worry about it! People are rioting that Nintendo is wasting their time on it! It won't sell!  
  
*Nabooru starts slithering out, then she gets sick of it and just stands up and skips off stage*  
  
Ganon: She's right! If Gannondorf Dragmire isn't in the game, people won't like it!  
  
*Gannondorf walks off too*  
  
Zelda: The princess only makes one appearance anyways, so it can't be good!  
  
*Zelda walks off stage*  
  
Link: I guess its my bedtime now, I hope mojo jojo doesn't try anything tonight.  
  
Ruto: *beep, beep, beep* Very nice guys! I couldn't of done better myself. wait. yes I could have!  
  
*everyone takes a seat in their chair*  
  
Zelda: oh get over yourself!  
  
Ruto: Shut up, Ganon-lover!  
  
Zelda: oh yeah? Well your father is a Lord Jabu-Jabu wanna be!  
  
Ruto: yeah? Well your dad screwed Kotake and Koume to get you!  
  
Nabooru: *hits Zelda upside the head* don't even make a comeback! I want to get this over with!  
  
Zelda: Aw. but I had a really good one too!  
  
*Ruto opens her mouth and gets ready to insult her again*  
  
Nabooru: You neither, else we'll bring out Darunia and Saria again and you guys will wear neck braces until the end of the show!  
  
Ruto: ugh. Okay, Link. negative 10,000 points since you like Majora's mask, Gannondorf, I'll give you 500 for not killing Link. you should of killed Zelda!  
  
Nabooru: Ruto!  
  
Ruto: Sorry. Nabooru, how about 50,000?  
  
Nabooru: Not bad.  
  
Ruto: and Zelda. like I'd give you points anyways!  
  
Nabooru: Ruto!  
  
Ruto: ah. one point then! Next game! The Irish Drinking Song! Everyone step up! Audience, I need a situation that's never likely to happen in any of these guys life!  
  
Impa: Sex?  
  
All: VERY funny Impa.  
  
Romani: Seeing aliens!  
  
Malon: Sex!  
  
Ruto: No sex!  
  
Anju: How about just going on a date?  
  
Ruto: That works! Okay guys, the irish drinking song with music by our resident musician, Saria!  
  
Saria: *bows her head and begins playing the song on an ocarina*  
  
All: OOOOHHHH. idy idy idy idy idy idy i!  
  
Link: I want to go on a date  
  
Zelda: with a really hot guy.  
  
Ganon: but they'll never go out with me  
  
Nabooru: my whole life is a lie.  
  
Link: so I'll get dressed up all nice  
  
Zelda: And go out really far  
  
Ganon: um.. I don't wanna catch lice?  
  
Nabooru: going to a gay bar!  
  
All: OOOOHHHH. idy idy idy idy idy idy i!  
  
Zelda: I went inside the bar  
  
Ganon: where everyone was straight  
  
Nabooru: someone then approached me  
  
Link: and told me I was great!  
  
Zelda: we danced the night away  
  
Ganon: and went up to a room  
  
Nabooru: took off all of our clothes!  
  
Link: everyone could hear the booms!  
  
All: OOOOHHHH. idy idy idy idy idy idy i!  
  
Ganon: when it was over  
  
Nabooru: 15 minutes later  
  
Link: I was totally finished  
  
Zelda: and he was really wasted!  
  
Ganon: we went back downstairs  
  
Nabooru: to get a quick looker  
  
Link: she drained all my money  
  
Zelda: I didn't know he was a hooker!  
  
All: OOOOHHHH. idy idy idy idy idy idy i!  
  
Nabooru: Now I'm out of cash  
  
Link: and I'm really really tired  
  
Zelda: I can't believe he did this  
  
Ganon: it really burns my fire  
  
Nabooru: It wasn't really that good  
  
Link: I should of gotten it for free  
  
Ganon: now I see why it was.  
  
Zelda: they were really a he/she!  
  
All: OOOOHHHH. idy idy idy idy idy idy i! OOOOHHHH. idy idy idy idy iiiiidddy. iiiidddyyy. iiiiiii!  
  
*audience starts clapping and they go back and sit down*  
  
Ruto: okay. that was. off subject a little. Figures you guys would get to sex! Anyways, all of your points double for that! So you guys should know where you stand!  
  
All: *blank stares*  
  
Ruto: Ah. nevermind! Time for the last game of the night, you asked for it, Hyrule's worst!  
  
*everyone comes down on the stair and they stand in a line*  
  
Ruto: Everyone already knows what this is so, let's just get it over with! Hyrule's worst. oh great. Zelda characters!  
  
*everyone steps down and starts pointing to each other*  
  
Ruto: *beep, beep* we get the point.  
  
*they step back up, but then everyone steps down and points at Ruto*  
  
Ruto: *beep, beep, beep, beep, beep* NOT funny!  
  
Link: Tingle!!!  
  
Zelda: um. yeah he's right, Tingle!  
  
Nabooru: The phantom ganon in the forest temple. man that guy was easy!  
  
Ganon: and kotake and koume weren't?  
  
Nabooru: they were hard!  
  
Link: no they weren't, I thought you were stronger than that to get captured by them!  
  
Nabooru: Hey! You just stood on a ledge and watched!  
  
Link: What did you want me to do? Jump to my doom? It was really high!  
  
Nabooru: hmph. some hero of time!  
  
Ruto: um. next category. Hyrule's worst monster enemies!  
  
Link: the very first one in ocarina of time. man that thing was too easy!  
  
Ganon: hey! It killed the Deku tree, didn't it?  
  
*beep*  
  
Zelda, Link, Nabooru: GANNONDORF!  
  
Ganon: I'm not a monster!  
  
All: YES YOU ARE!  
  
*beep*  
  
Ruto: I was waiting for that!  
  
Zelda: Majora's mask. it's a mask! And if you have the fierce deity's mask, its TOO easy!  
  
*beep*  
  
Ruto: Hyrule's worst pointless places.  
  
Nabooru: Hyrule Castle!  
  
Zelda: Wha, wha, what!?  
  
*beep*  
  
Ganon: the mask shop. there should be a male Gerudo mask too!  
  
*beep*  
  
Link: the bombchu shop!  
  
Zelda: Gerudo's fortress!  
  
Nabooru: why you little.  
  
*Nabooru tackles Zelda and the too start brawling on the ground*  
  
Ruto: Hey! Hey! Why couldn't I do that.. *Ruto jumps in and tries and helps Nabooru out*  
  
*the entangled three continue duking it out on the floor, Link and Ganon start whooping and cheering for them*  
  
Zelda: remember! I'm in super smash bros melee!  
  
Nabooru: OUCH! Yeah, and you're no good at fighting unless you cross- dress!  
  
Ruto: shut up and get her Nabooru!  
  
Nabooru: Don't tell me what to do, you ugly fish!  
  
Ruto: WHAT? That's it!  
  
*Ruto starts after Nabooru now and the three continue to hurt each other, Darunia runs up in front of them on the stage with a Microphone in his hand and tries to ignore them*  
  
Darunia: That's all for this editon, remember what Mystic says. reviews equals more editions! No points, no winner, no special game! Bye bye! 


	4. Fourth Edition

Writers block effecting outcome of Phantoms of Echoes, so I decided to cool off with a little Whose Triforce! Thanks for all who R&R and gimme a reason to write more. It seems to take longer and longer to get these out. oh well. Hope you all enjoy the fourth edition. - ^_^  
  
Whose Triforce is it anyways?  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage. It isn't Rauru. who's the host this time?*  
  
Link: It better not be Tingle, Mystic!  
  
Zelda: Or Marin!  
  
Ruto: he. he. he  
  
Link: MYSTIC!!! Why her again??  
  
Mystic: She's the best host I could find in such a short notice!  
  
Ganon: You had a whole edition to do so.  
  
Mystic: Oh shut up, Ganon. I think she's good, right audience?  
  
*audience starts cheering*  
  
Ruto: *blushes* Thanks!  
  
Zelda: *mumbling* yeah. she's good at screwing cuccos..  
  
Ruto: WHAT??? Why you little. *prepares to lunge at Zelda*  
  
Mystic: No. this will not do at all! That's why Nabooru isn't coming back!  
  
Ganon: Then who is our fourth person?  
  
Link: Colin Mockery?  
  
Zelda: Ryan Stiles?  
  
Ruto: Please not Malon again. that's just sickening!  
  
Link: Don't talk about my girlfriend like that!  
  
All: WHAT??  
  
Link: Yeah! We started going out! There! You guys can't say I'm gay anymore!  
  
Zelda: You picked the lon lon slut over me??  
  
Ruto: You picked the horse-loving whore over me??  
  
Ganon: Yes we can. you could of just agreed to go out with her to disguise your homosexuality by going out with her but in truth you're only going to hurt the young girl's feelings because everyone knows the truth!  
  
All: *facefault*  
  
Zelda: When did you ever care?  
  
Ruto: How do you know about this stuff?  
  
Link: I'M NOT GAY!!!!!!  
  
Ganon: It shouldn't be that big of a surprise.  
  
Mystic: Do you guys want to know the fourth person or not?  
  
Link: well. we'd be able to see them if you'd just turn on the lights!  
  
Mystic: Nah. that'd be too easy!  
  
Zelda: Then tell us!  
  
Mystic: I'll let them say hi themselves!  
  
*Mystic turns the spotlight onto the fourth chair. where a familiar face awaits*  
  
Rauru: Hello all!  
  
All: AAAAHHHH! IT'S A GHOST!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Mystic.. He's too old. unfunny.  
  
Mystic: He'll do fine.  
  
Ruto: But he has no hands!  
  
Mystic: this is improvisation, not physical work!  
  
Ganon: I'll kill him if we start the show.  
  
Mystic: Show has already started and if you try ANYTHING I'll bring Malon back with an obsession on you!  
  
Ganon: Ack. nevermind.  
  
Zelda: He already had a heart attack though, we don't want him to get another!  
  
All: SAYS WHO??  
  
Mystic: See? He IS perfect!  
  
Rauru: Why DON'T I like the sound of that.  
  
Mystic: Now, let's get started! Hit it Ruto!  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage.*  
  
Ruto: On the show tonight, the young and the gay: Link; the young and the bitchy: Princess Zelda; the young and the evil: Gannondorf; and the young and the not-so-young: Rauru! Come on down and let's destroy some careers!  
  
*Ruto skips off the steps to her desk and beeps the buzzer a couple of times before smiling to the camera*  
  
Ruto: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways?! The show where everything is made up and the professionals don't matter. I'm the young and the beautiful, Ruto!  
  
Zelda: You wish.  
  
Ruto: *growling* Shut it, bitch. this is MY introduction time!  
  
Link: Here we go. again.  
  
Ruto: Our performers are from the land of Hyrule with one purpose, to screw up this game to the best of their ability. And through the last 3 editions, they've proved to do that pretty nicely!  
  
Zelda: Just remember, you were one of us two editions ago!  
  
Ruto: Go screw a poe, Princess Bitchiness.  
  
Zelda: Damnit, Princess Prostitute!  
  
Ruto: Mistress of the Happy Mask Salesman!  
  
Zelda: Mistress of the Lakeside Laboratory Scientist!  
  
Rauru: Princess Zelda is getting good at that.  
  
Ruto: errr. up yours, Hylian whore!  
  
Zelda: grrr. up your fathers, Zora slut!  
  
Link: yeah, but how do they keep on coming up with so many.?  
  
Ganon, Link, & Rauru: *shaking their heads* Women.  
  
Ruto: WHAT??? Don't talk about my daddy like that!!!  
  
Zelda: aw. is poor Ruto hurt when I talk about her fat father?  
  
Ruto: THAT'S IT!!!!  
  
*Darunia roars out in his Jerry Springer attire and holds Ruto back as she tries to get to Zelda, all the while the princess is giving Ruto the finger and laughing in her face*  
  
Link: you know. we could always just let her go, Zelda.  
  
Rauru: You thinking what I'm thinking, Link? Ganon?  
  
Link: Hey! Mystic, we have a new story idea for you!  
  
Mystic: huh? Wait. I'm supposed to be trying to get you guys to get on with the show. eh. *kinda desperate* what is it?  
  
Ganon: Ruto and Zelda in.  
  
Link, Rauru & Ganon: MUD WRESTLING!!!!!!  
  
Mystic: ....  
  
*Ruto stops fighting and Zelda looks over with her with wide eyes*  
  
Ruto & Zelda: What are you going to do to us???  
  
Ruto: I'd kick her ass!  
  
Zelda: No way! Remember, I'm in Super Smash Bros Melee!  
  
Ruto: But everyone only uses you for Sheik!  
  
Zelda: Does not!  
  
Ruto: Does too!  
  
Zelda: Does not!  
  
Ruto: Does too!  
  
Zelda: Does not!  
  
Ruto: I saw Rauru playing as "it" yesterday!  
  
Zelda: Sheik is a girl!  
  
Ruto: He/She!  
  
Zelda: Girl!  
  
Ruto: He/She!  
  
Link: I thought he was a guy.  
  
Ganon: I thought Sheik was an insignificant worm.  
  
Rauru: I think Zelda has multiple personality disorder.  
  
Zelda & Ruto: WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!!!!  
  
Mystic: *trying to act all sweet and nice* Guys..  
  
All: *gulp* Yes, Mystic?  
  
Mystic: *fire forms behind her and horns grow from her head* START THE *Beep(in)* SHOW!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ruto: *hiding behind her desk in Darunia's arms still* yes master.  
  
Link: *cowering behind a chair* yes master..  
  
Zelda: *behind the screen* yes master.  
  
Ganon: *standing up straight, cheering* Join me, Mystic! Together we can rule Hyrule!  
  
Mystic: *acting all sweet and nice again* Nah. I already rule you all, now get started!  
  
*Copyright guys come out of the shadows, pull her behind the curtains and start to maul her behind the scenes. Horrible sounds of bone crunching and screams can be heard*  
  
Mystic: *stumbles out from behind the curtain, badly beaten up* I mean. *cough cough* I rule you all in this story, Nintendo really owns you guys. sorry.. Please, I'm so sorry. Mr. Miyamoto.  
  
*Darunia carries Mystic off behind the scenes and Ruto just looks around blankly*  
  
Ruto: Okay, back to the show! Our first game is scenes from a hat! Before the show started we asked the audience to write some scenes down and we'll get our improvisation group to act them out! Performers to your corners!  
  
*Link and Zelda stand on the side farthest from Ruto and Ganon and Rauru stand on the other*  
  
Ruto: *pulls out a piece of paper from a Link hat* Love scenes cut out of Ocarina of time  
  
*Ganon and Zelda step up grinning*  
  
Zelda: Oh Gannondorf Dragmire.  
  
Ganon: Oh Princess Zelda.  
  
*they run into each other and hug passionately*  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* disturbing you guys!  
  
Rauru: *steps up with Link in tow* Oh my god. Impa's in love with Dampe? I didn't know "gravestones" could move like that!  
  
Link: *looks where Rauru is pretending to point, pretends to look shocked*  
  
Impa: *stand up from the stands* I am NOT in love with a ghost!  
  
Dampe: *stands up from the seat next to her, winking* That's not what you were saying last night.  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* by the goddesses.. That really was cut out, Rauru?  
  
Rauru: Um. I was just kidding.  
  
Ruto: *pulls out another one* Next up, Things the Goddesses should of told Link.  
  
*Link steps up and Rauru starts acting all holy-like*  
  
Link: Oh great goddesses!  
  
Rauru: Link. take the spandex off!  
  
Link: You try to battle Ganon in that huge robe of yours!  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* Please stay in character.  
  
*Link stays out while Ganon steps up now*  
  
Link: *a little less enthusiastic* Oh great goddesses.  
  
Ganon: Oh, didn't we tell you? The hero of time is also required to do some. "extra" things for us. Din! Direct Link to our kitchen sink!  
  
Link: Wha. *holds his hands in front of him* no.! NOOOOO!  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* That's a little better.  
  
*Zelda saunters in front of Link while Ganon goes back to his side*  
  
Link: *almost mad now, teeth clenched* Oh great goddesses.  
  
Zelda: *acting holy-like* Remember, to defeat Gannondorf at the top of his castle, you must volley his energy balls and then go in for the kill when he is down. and oh yeah. he'll use the Triforce of Power to change into a hideous beast so don't be surprised when he jumps out of a pile of rubble and don't under no circumstances lose the Master Sword. nothing much!  
  
Link: Now THAT'S something they could of told me!!!!!  
  
Ruto: You do realize you still must be in character, despite what they say. don't you Link?  
  
Link: Oh yeah.  
  
Ruto: *pulls another one out* Oh my. Why people buy Zelda games.  
  
*Link steps up and crosses her arms, grinning madly*  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* We ALL know that isn't true!  
  
*Zelda steps up and does the exact same thing*  
  
Ruto: *beep beep beep beep beep* Oh get over yourself, Lovable character wanna-be  
  
Zelda: *just grinning* Just remember. *points to herself* Every Legend of Zelda game. *points to Ruto* One little bity Legend of Zelda game. hehehe  
  
Ruto: Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not a damsel in distress all the time!  
  
Zelda: What do you call inside of Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly? Or the water temple?  
  
Ruto: Still not as many as you!  
  
Zelda: But if they didn't happen to me, the game wouldn't be made. If you died, no one would care!  
  
Ruto: I have fans!  
  
Zelda: All two of them? Yourself and your father?  
  
*Ruto tries to struggle and get to Zelda but Darunia already anticipated this and has been holding Ruto back ever since she started the catfight with Zelda*  
  
*Darunia looks up to the camera*  
  
Darunia: While we're having some technical difficulties, let's go to a commericial!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
*screen fades to black and comes up again with Malon and Nabooru standing in front of a camera*  
  
Malon: Do you have trouble getting guys?  
  
Nabooru: Hell yeah!  
  
Malon: Did you ever wonder why?  
  
Nabooru: Um. because I'm a man-hating leader of a group of female thieves who kidnap men and kill them for the pure joy of it?  
  
Malon: Heh. well. um. for people not like you, there's Happy Mask Salesman's mates shop!  
  
Nabooru: A mates shop?  
  
Malon: Yes! Hundreds of men and women from the Hyrule, Zora's Domain, Goron's Village, Kakariko Village, and even from the Gerudo's Fortress await YOUR entry into his shop so you can take them away!  
  
Nabooru: *acting baffled* He can't REALLY keep hundreds of men and women in that shop, can he?  
  
Malon: Here's how it works! The Happy Mask Salesman will make a mold of your face and turn it into a haunting mask! All a person has to do is wear the mask and they'll turn into an exact replica of you! Then you can observe their looks, voice. and other parts while being "them." If they seem like the right type, the Salesman will give you their address!  
  
Nabooru: Doesn't that seem a little flawed.? I mean they could go with a person based on the size of their di.  
  
Malon: *puts her hand over Nabooru's mouth* Just remember, lucky singles! If you need help finding that special someone, go to Happy Mask Salesman's mates shop!  
  
*screen fades to black and reappears with Ruto in her desk looking calm but slightly agitated*  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Ruto: THAT'S who we're sponsored by???  
  
Mystic: Don't start.  
  
Ruto: Ah. right. Welcome back to Whose Triforce is it Anyways? Right now everyone is tied for points at. ZERO! Our next game is Props! I'll give Zelda and Gannondorf , and Link and Rauru, one prop. They'll have to turn the prop into as many things as they can.  
  
*Link and Rauru step up to Ruto as she gives them the Biggoron's sword*  
  
Ruto: Here's your prop.  
  
*They go off to the other side of the stage and Gannondorf and Zelda receive the hookshot*  
  
Ruto: And yours. Okay guys, we'll start with Link and Rauru, go ahead!  
  
*Link picks up the sword and puts the point right at Rauru's arm*  
  
Rauru: Isn't this going to hurt?  
  
Link: It's just a little shot, it'll only be a little prick!  
  
Ruto: *beep* I think that would be a little more than a prick.  
  
*Link takes it down and tries to figure out their next one and Zelda holds the hookshot down to the ground like she's focusing on something*  
  
Ganon: You're going to miss it. You're going to miss it.  
  
Zelda: I AM not going to miss it! I've fished like this before hundreds of times!  
  
Ruto: *beep* Hookshots. now with a free sinking lure!  
  
Rauru: *holds the sword up in the air while Link makes thunder-like noises*  
  
Link: What are you doing with that?  
  
Rauru: I'm going to charge up my energizer batteries with the lighting! Watch what happens with it hits the tip! *pretends to be electrocuted and screams*  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* If only that would really happen.  
  
Rauru: Hey!  
  
*Gannondorf lays the hookshot on the ground as Zelda pretends to start crying and he starts laughing*  
  
Zelda: Why did morphus have to eat Link? He was supposed to save Hyrule! Now. this is all that's left of him!!! Wah!!!!  
  
Ganon: BWHAHAHAHA! Now I can easily take over Hyrule!  
  
Ruto: *beep* Well you did need the hookshot to defeat that thing. but Gannondorf. you sound like Bowser.  
  
Ganon: Do not compare me to that weak worm!  
  
Ruto: Well. he got thrown off a platform by his tail and that's your weakest spot, you guys have something in common!  
  
Ganon: ......  
  
Ruto: Keep on going guys!  
  
All: BUT WE DON'T WANT TO!!! THIS GAME SUCKS AND WE CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER USES FOR THESE DUMB WEAPONS!!!  
  
Ruto: Whinny babies.  
  
All: DAMN STRAIGHT!  
  
Ruto: Wait a minute. Mystic, is that you!  
  
Mystic: Um. damn straight?  
  
Ruto: I figured. don't tell me you're getting writers block for this story too?  
  
Mystic: No, just for that game, let's move on!  
  
*all the performers clear the stage and give the weapons back to Ruto*  
  
Ruto: Well, I'll give you credit for being honest I suppose. Our next game is what. that's all the time we have?  
  
All: WHAT?  
  
Ruto: Seems you guys spent too much time fighting.  
  
All: WHAT??  
  
Ruto: Just kidding!  
  
All: R.R.RUTO!!!!  
  
Ruto: Now that I've had my fun, time for our next real game, which Mystic doesn't know the name of! This is how it goes. Gannondorf and Rauru will be attempting to sell a compilation of songs on a cd and Link and Zelda must sing bits of the songs with help from our musical genius, Saria! I need an idea from the audience on what compilation cd you'd NEVER see out on the market.  
  
Malon: Link's love songs to me!  
  
Ruto: No.  
  
Nabooru: Gerudo male love songs!  
  
Ruto: That's true, it couldn't ever be released. but no love songs  
  
Ganon: hey! I'm a Gerudo male!  
  
Ruto: No, you're an evil son-of-a-bi.  
  
Talon: How about female dogs?  
  
Ruto: No.  
  
Anju: Majora's Mask Soundtrack  
  
Ruto: Hey. not a bad idea. wait. aren't you supposed to be in Termina?  
  
Anju: I divorced my husband. looking for a new one.  
  
Link: Wait a minute! After all that crap I went through to put you two together and get you married, THIS is how you repay me???  
  
Ruto: Heh. anyways, the Compliation is the Majora's Mask soundtrack! Ganon, Rauru, go ahead and begin the game!  
  
*Ganon and Rauru sit in stools and face the camera as it zooms in on them while Zelda and Link get ready to improvise singing talents*  
  
Ganon: We interrupt the execution of Kaebora Gaebora to bring you this special bulletin!  
  
Rauru: Hey! That's m. I mean yeah. execution. right.  
  
Ganon: How many times have you played through Majora's Mask, Rauru?  
  
Rauru: Once. and I'm never doing it again!  
  
Ganon: But didn't one thing catch your ears most of the time?  
  
Rauru: What? The crappy music that copied off ocarina of time because Nintendo was lazy and only created a few more scores of music. I mean come on. Saria's song was in there and she wasn't even in the game!  
  
Ganon: heh. heh. heh. well anyways, we're still selling the soundtrack because there are a chosen few who like the game.  
  
Rauru: There are?  
  
Ganon: Yes! And there are some that you have never heard the lyrics to!  
  
Rauru: There are lyrics to the songs?  
  
Ganon: Yes, let's start off with Saria's song, which is actually a secret love song to a special someone!  
  
*Saria glares at Link, Zelda, and Gannondorf before she begins, because she doesn't want them to ruin her song, afterall. Her song starts playing loudly through the stage all on a little fairy ocarina she plays and Link and Zelda begin to bop their heads around as if they were Gorons*  
  
Link: *tries singing in a little kid voice* Just my luck, Mido sucks, Now I'll have to find a new boyfriend! A cute boyfriend! There he is, Flashing his, "Kokiri sword" for all the girls to see! Hey look at me?!  
  
Zelda: *shakes her head at Link's inability to finish off the sentence* But is he, really, right for me? Should I be, hitting him, with a tree? Or throw him, into a, hive of bees? I guess I'll just wait for the day, until I prove that day, that he is gay!!!!  
  
*As Saria finishes she takes the ocarina and throws it at Link's head*  
  
Ganon: Wasn't that brilliant?  
  
Rauru: Do I have to answer.?  
  
Ganon: how much would you pay for the soundtrack, just for that song?  
  
Rauru: Half a green rupee?  
  
Ganon: Higher!  
  
Rauru: Three-fourths of a green rupee?  
  
Ganon: Higher!  
  
Rauru: A green rupee?  
  
Ganon: Bingo! And if you act now, we'll throw in the severed head of Kaebora Gaebora!  
  
Rauru: Ack. but that's my hea. I mean that reminds me of another song on the track about the death of a beloved character!  
  
All: *burst out laughing*  
  
Ruto: *beep, still laughing* I'm sorry Rauru. but the owl is about as popular as Navi's relentless nagging!  
  
Rauru: grrr. anyways! The true meaning of the song of storms, entitled, We love Dampe!  
  
*Saria starts playing the Song of Storms and a huge thunderstorm begins to pour down on everyone and again Link and Zelda bounce together simultaneously*  
  
Zelda: *tries to sing softly* We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! The hunchback of Kakariko, a huge rac-i-ing foe!  
  
Link: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! *grumbling* Makes me work for the hookshot. and digs up dirt a lot.  
  
Zelda: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! He's now really far down low, sleeping with a female poe!  
  
Link: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! In the village graveyard's mud, he acts like a ghostly stud!  
  
Both: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! Weeee loooove Daaammmppeee!!!  
  
Ganon: Doesn't that make you wanna get up and dance?  
  
Rauru: *folds up the umbrella he had up* Makes me want to stay out of the rain and a graveyard. that's for sure.  
  
Ruto: *beep beep* Okay guys, that's it!  
  
*everyone goes back to their chairs*  
  
Zelda: Why did you end it after 2 songs? "Whose Line is it anyways" gets three or more!  
  
Ruto: Dampe is a character from Ocarina of time, so the song wasn't even relevant to the subject I gave you!  
  
Ganon & Rauru: Sorry.  
  
Rauru: You can't blame us. I wasn't even in the game!  
  
Ganon: Neither was I!  
  
Zelda: You shouldn't of been, you belong in the Evil realm. where I SHOULD put you now!  
  
Ganon: Am I terrorizing Hyrule? No. Am I attacking your precious hero of time? No. I'm being a civilized person, so you can't seal me up! So nah nah! *sticks out his tongue at her*  
  
Zelda: Just wait until this is over, you still have to pay for your crimes!  
  
Ganon: I'd like to see you try, weakling!  
  
Zelda: Weakling? I didn't get beaten by a fairy boy!  
  
Link: Hey, that's not fair.  
  
Ganon: Yeah, well, I don't have trouble lifting up metal bars when running out of a castle!  
  
Zelda: I don't create wimpy phantoms who are even easier to beat than the first boss of the game!  
  
Ganon: I'm not a cross-dresser who let me into the Sacred Realm by letting a little 10-year-old lead me to it!  
  
Zelda: Sheik is a girl, so I'm not a cross-dresser!  
  
Rauru: We went through this once already.  
  
Ruto: I'm just mad because I'm not in this calling Zelda a bitch.  
  
Link: I didn't lead him to it! I didn't even know who the hell he was until then!  
  
Ruto: *beep beep beep* Do we have to go to another commercial or what???  
  
All: PLEASE NO!!!! WE'LL BE GOOD!!!  
  
Ruto: Better! Anyways, since I didn't tell you your point totals after each game, no one won! But I'll let you all read the credits as yourselves! This is Ruto, saying get out there and R&R!  
  
*Music starts up again and credits start rolling down the screen. of course there aren't very many!*  
  
Zelda: Me!  
  
Link: Me!  
  
Ganon: I, Gannondorf Dragmire.  
  
Zelda: *grumble* full of yourself.  
  
Rauru: Me!  
  
All: *grumble* Ruto.  
  
Zelda: Special appearances by Anju, our musical talent, Saria, and a bunch of other people!  
  
Link: Sorry to: Majora's Mask fans, Dampe, Anju's husband, Nabooru and Malon for having to do that horrible commercial, fans for not really killing off Rauru.  
  
Rauru: hey! I wasn't that bad!  
  
Link: The REAL Whose Line is it anyways for degrading your hilarious show into a little fanfiction with fictional characters, Mr. Shiguru Miyamoto, Nintendo America for not killing Mystic  
  
Ruto: Oh right. thanks.  
  
Mystic: WHAT WAS THAT???  
  
Ruto: Nothing! Nothing!  
  
Link: Fans who have been waiting for this edition, people who hate this story.  
  
Mystic: Actually if you hate it, why are you reading it?  
  
Ganon: Maybe I should continue. Cloud and Elly for not including their commentaries, Zelda fans who haven't seen their favorite character as a performer. by the Goddesses'. how long is this list?  
  
Rauru: Um. thanks to those who have R&R AKA supported the story. Devin, Jameta of the Darkness, The Fierce Deity, Evil Neptune, Dark Zero, Little Cherry Blosson, Song Guy and j_6400 for R&Ring.  
  
Zelda: Exclusive Producer, Director, caterer, animal trainer, prop creator, copyright stealer.  
  
Mystic: That isn't in there and I apologized!  
  
Zelda: and overall author of this fanfiction, Mystic Deity!  
  
*I, of course, take my bow*  
  
Zelda: *grumbles* another one. full of herself.  
  
Mystic: Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other. no.. that's Jerry Springer's lines. Remember: Reviews equal more editions. G'night Everybody! 


	5. Fifth Edition

OMG. its been such a long long time since I've updated this story! Oh well. I'm back, and ready for a new season of Hyrule's favorite game show!  
  
Whose Triforce is it anyways?  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage. It isn't Rauru. or Ruto. or even human it looks like? What could this thing be?*  
  
Link: Mystic! We've had this discussion before! NO TINGLE!  
  
Mystic: But its not him I swear!  
  
Zelda: Would you just let her continue with the fic already?  
  
Link: Who let you back here anyway?  
  
Ruto: Who let you into Soul Calibur 2, pussy?  
  
*Ruto and Zelda high-5 each other. leaving everyone else in awe*  
  
Ganon: Did they just.  
  
Malon: Are they really.  
  
Nabooru: There's no way they are.  
  
Ruto: OW!! Hey princess priss! You hit me with the Triforce hand!  
  
Zelda: Well maybe your hired writers can protect you next time! I was wondering where you got that line!  
  
Ruto: And next time your pimp can help you hold. me back!!!  
  
*Ruto goes after Zelda's hair, pulling it strenuously. Both girls start at it. and the lights haven't even gone on yet!*  
  
Ganon: You guys can really stop that. anytime.  
  
Nabooru: Does this mean I get to be on the show?  
  
Malon: Me too  
  
Ruto & Zelda: NO!  
  
Mystic: If you two don't stop figh.  
  
*instantly both girls jump off of each other and straighten out their dresses/skin*  
  
Link: um. hello? We have an unrevealed host over there that is scaring me to death!  
  
Mystic: oh right. well take it away host!  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage.*  
  
Host: Itttttssssss.. Whose Triforce is it anyways! This week we're featuring. Ocarina of time's Link! Hyrule's beautiful princess Zelda! Zora princess Ruto! And of course the king of all evil, Gannondorf!  
  
*the lights spotlight all of them as their name is called. leaving the host still unrevealed*  
  
Link: Wait. this can't be right!  
  
Zelda: Yeah, he's being too nice!  
  
Ganon: I dunno. I like that introduction bwhahahahahaha!  
  
Ruto: Oh god. stop with the wussy evil laugh again.  
  
Ganon: You father will explode in 5.4.3.2..  
  
Ruto: Okay Okay!! Macho, awesome, horrible, evil laugh.  
  
Ganon: *pats Ruto on the head* Good little fish.  
  
Ruto: WHAT?? That's it I'm gonna.  
  
Ganon: 1 ¾. 1 ½..  
  
Ruto: By the goddesses. I hate you.  
  
Ganon: *right in Ruto's ear* BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
Zelda: Aw. want me to get my pimp to beat him up for you Ruto?  
  
Ruto: No. he's out back screwing your homo father right now!  
  
Zelda: Oh yeah! Well he couldn't even find your father's di.  
  
Link: I thought I told you guys to stop that joke!  
  
Ruto & Zelda: DON'T INTERRUPT US!!!!  
  
Link: But what about the host.?  
  
Zelda: Oh right. guess we should get on with the game. who is he?  
  
*a cel shaded figure walks onto the now lighted stage, facing away from the actors. It's Cel Link from Wind Waker!*  
  
Cel Link: Hello fellow video game characters and viewers! I love you all!  
  
Everyone: *face fault*  
  
Link: Mystic. have you even played Wind Waker yet?  
  
Mystic: Um. no, but he looks like a cartoon so I might as well make him kid-friendly, right?  
  
Link: You have no creative sense. imagination. or understanding for the brilliance of that game!  
  
Mystic: How much did Nintendo pay you.?  
  
Link: 500,000 rupees.  
  
Ruto: But Link's certainly well endowed in Soul Cailbur 2! Did you see the close up pictures of his di.  
  
Link: Didn't I tell you to stop that already????? How much more am I going to hear of that damn game!  
  
Zelda: Probably all night knowing her joke writers. they can't come up with any new material for such a dumbass!  
  
Ruto: Why you.  
  
Cel Link: *speaks up louder than Ruto* Let's get on with the game! Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways? The show where we're all having fun and the hosts don't matter! Wait. did I read that right on the cue card? Oh anyway. these four characters will act out games in accordance to what I tell them to do for points. These points have no meaning whatsoever and I will probably end up forgetting to give them out!  
  
Zelda: I like him already!  
  
Ruto: How dare you interup.  
  
Cel Link: Our first game is "the dating show!" Link, you'll be the available bachlor and these three will be contestants on a dating show. The twist is each of them has a secret identity that you'll have to guess at the end of the game! Let's get started!  
  
*everyone takes a stool and gets seated on the stage, Ruto still grumbling*  
  
Ruto: Why should I you little punk!  
  
Mystic: *smiles sweetly* Because I said so!  
  
Ruto: Damn.  
  
Zelda: haha. Ruto is Mystic's bitch!  
  
Ruto: At least I'm not a prostitute working for my father!  
  
Ganon & Link: BURN!  
  
Zelda: My father is an honorable, respectable man! Yours is just a fat, tub of lard!  
  
Ganon: Double BURN!  
  
Ruto: At least mine gets some every night!  
  
Zelda: How? He ate your mom! And how do you know that anyway? You watch for tips?  
  
Link: Oooohhhh. BURN!  
  
Ruto: Your father had your mom killed after she had you. she wasn't worth living after bringing such a demon in the world!  
  
Ganon: Ooooohhh. you're gonna need some ice for that BURN!  
  
Ruto & Zelda: SHUT U.  
  
Cel Link: Lets. Get. Started. With. The. Game. *smiles, glaring at them with his animated eyes*  
  
*everyone goes silent. you can hear the crickets chirping throughout the studio*  
  
Zelda: I thought we had those killed! Get pest control out here!  
  
Ruto: Yeah. we needed to replace you anyway.  
  
Zelda: Why you little.  
  
Cel Link: NOW!  
  
*each one of them jump and give out a little 'eep', even mister king of all evil himself, they all take their seats again and the three 'bachelors' pick up their cards*  
  
Ganon: *opens his card, which says: Slowly turning into a Cucco*  
  
Ruto: *opens her card, which says: Getting the winning lottery ticket*  
  
Zelda: *opens her card, which says: A Zora*  
  
Link: *ahem* Bachelor number 1!  
  
Ganon: Yes?  
  
Link: Would I look better realistic or Cel shaded?  
  
Ganon: *slips off his stool and starts crouching down on the ground* What the hell is going on. oh yeah. the *starts making Cucco noises* question. um. how about dead?  
  
Link: *huffs, grumbling* you first Gannondork.. *ahem* Anyway, Bachelor number 2?  
  
Ruto: *looks like she's opening something up and staring at something like a tv* Yeah just a minute, I wanna check something here.  
  
Link: Um. alright. bachelor number 3?  
  
Zelda: What the !@#!$@#%$@!#$#%^$^!#%$#@ do you want, bitch?  
  
Link: *starts acting scared* um.. what's your favorite color?  
  
Zelda: *jumps off her chair and starts strutting around, her hands rubbing down over her curves* Isn't it obvious? With such a great body who wouldn't like the color of it?  
  
*all the men in the audience begin to have nose bleeds*  
  
Ruto: *has no clue what Zelda is, but starts getting really excited* Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!!! I can't believe it! This is impossible!!!! I WON I WON!!!!  
  
*Ruto pretends to hold something in her hands and starts running around wildly, holding on to it. She jumps into an audience member's lap and rubs the ticket in his face*  
  
Ruto: Oh yeah! Look at this baby! I won! I WON!!!!  
  
Link: *sweatdrops* Bachelor number 1?  
  
Ganon: *clucks on the ground and flaps his arms like a chicken, stares up at Link blankly*  
  
Link: *tries not to chuckle but can't hold it in for long and bursts out laughing, falls backwards on the chair and continues to laugh hystarically*  
  
Ganon: What? What?  
  
Link: This is too much! The big old great king of evil, acting like a Cucco!  
  
Ganon: We're supposed to be acting.  
  
Ruto: I WON! I. WON! I WON I WON I WON!  
  
Link: *still laughing, rolling on the ground now* A green Cucco. by the goddesses, where's my camera???  
  
Ganon: Don't make me start with the homo jokes again!  
  
Zelda: *jumps on Link and starts hugging him madly* You can't fall down like that! We're going to get married soon darling!  
  
Link: Wha. please tell me you'll still acting.. I just stopped a couple of seconds ago.  
  
Cel Link: *buzz* Okay Link. can you guess who they all are?  
  
Ruto: IIIIIIIII WWWWWOOOOOONNNNNN!!!  
  
Cel Link: *buzz buzz* It's over already!  
  
Ruto: oh.  
  
Link: Well Gannondork is the Evil king of the Cuccos!  
  
Cel Link: *buzz* Correct!  
  
Link: Ruto. let me guess. just won something?  
  
Cel Link: She had a piece of paper with numbers on it.  
  
Link: Her payment from Zelda's father!  
  
*everyone face faults*  
  
Cel Link: *except him, who just keeps on smiling* Nope, try again!  
  
Zelda: Link!!!! You Kokiri raping, cheating, pimp-wannabe.  
  
Ruto: Now now, let's not forget Princess whoring!  
  
Zelda: Shut up, father f!@#er!  
  
Ruto: You first Princess of the prostitutes!  
  
Ganon: Hasn't she already used that one?  
  
Link: Probably. I've lost count on the insults with how many times they've fought.  
  
Ganon: Oh well. still a great BURN!  
  
Cel Link: *ahem*  
  
Link: *scratches his head at his Cel counterpart, a little depressed now* A lottery ticket.  
  
Cel Link: *buzz* Correct!  
  
Link: I haven't the slightest idea what Zelda was. um. herself maybe?  
  
Zelda: *strangely smiling* Nope! I was a Zora!  
  
Ruto: *and Lulu in the audience* WHAT????  
  
*Lulu calls her 7 kids and has them drag Zelda behind the stage*  
  
Zelda: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Help me!!!!  
  
*everyone cringes as her screams and sounds of fighting can be heard from behind, as this happens, everyone puts their stools away and whistles like nothing is happening*  
  
Cel Link: No points for you! You have to stay on topic the WHOLE time! Not just part! Our next game is a Hoedown!  
  
Ruto: That isn't fair! I stayed in character!  
  
Link: No. you'd be like that in real life  
  
Ganon: Plus Zelda did a good rendition so that's two times of you  
  
*Zelda stumbles back in and lines up with everyone else who are already standing*  
  
Cel Link: What should our topic be *ignores all of them* Let's ask the audience!  
  
Lulu: Ways to skewer a princess!  
  
Malon: How to make love to a hero of time!  
  
Darunia: Why I should be a contestant!  
  
Saria: *speaks up from behind the piano* How about Link's many girlfriends?  
  
Cel Link: That will work! Okay your topic is Link's girlfriends. go ahead, Saria!  
  
Saria: *starts playing the typical hoedown music*  
  
Link: I have had about 10 girlfriends But all my relationships have come to an end I loved them all, dearly, bought them stuff at the mall My best achievement is that I've screwed them all!  
  
*everyone dances a little, Ruto and Zelda grumbling at that*  
  
Zelda: I was one of Link's girlfriends for a long while I'd do anything for him, I've even walk a mile I saw him with another girl, who is a big slut! She's big and fat with red hair and she looks like a mutt!  
  
*everyone dances again, BIG boos coming from the Malon fan-club, seated behind Cel Link*  
  
Ruto: Everyone one thinks link has a big head When he talks about the girls has always led Even now he still pushes away princess whore-a Because the best sex partners will always be Zoras!  
  
*Zelda nearly lunges for her again, but strangely enough Lulu's kids are surrounding her now, the audience cheers again*  
  
Ganon: I don't care about Link or his women He is just a pimp whose dick is really thin I've already got the Triforce and you puny souls Now I'm going to run away before you get a hold!  
  
All: Before you get a hold!!!!  
  
Link: Of him!!! Guys we have to get him now!!!  
  
*Ganon runs out as quickly as possible, his usually evil laugh echoing throughout the area, link follows closely behind*  
  
Zelda: You go. we'll stay here  
  
Ruto: So you can get captured again you mean, helpless bitch?  
  
Zelda: Hey! You were captured too, Daddy's sex fish!  
  
Ganon: *from the back* BURN!!!  
  
Cel Link: Only two games? You guys take up way to much time fighting!  
  
All: SHUT UP! Hero of time wannabe!  
  
Cel Link: Well that was uncalled for.  
  
Mystic: This has been another episode of Whose Triforce is it anyways? R&R pretty please?? 


	6. Sixth Edition

I love reviewers ^_^ You guys are the reason I actually attempted to write another one, hehehe. Enjoy!  
  
Whose Triforce Is It Anyways? Special Sixth Episode Anniversary!  
  
Ganon: Wait. Sixth Anniversary? Don't you mean just sixth episode here?  
  
Ruto: Yeah, what gives?  
  
Link: Wait, didn't we kill you after saving Hyrule, AGAIN?  
  
Ganon: I have been revived by the all powerful author!  
  
Zelda: Grrr . . .  
  
Link: Grrr . . .  
  
Ruto: Can't we ever be rid of him?  
  
Ganon: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Mystic: Probably not, but to answer your first question, it's because I actually got enough response to write 6 of these, I'm doing an entire episode based on everyone's favorite hero of time!  
  
Link: *Forgets about Ganon* What??? Really????  
  
Zelda: WHAT??? Why?? Everyone likes me better!  
  
Ruto: *grumbling* You wish, whore  
  
Zelda: Quiet over there Princess-wannabe  
  
Ruto: I AM a real princess!  
  
Zelda: Of a bunch of fish? I think not!  
  
Ruto: Are you disgracing my race?  
  
Mystic: Anyways.  
  
Zelda: No, you do that enough yourself!  
  
Ganon & Link: You're gonna need the whole Great Sea to cool that BURN!  
  
Ruto: *punches Zelda in the gut and smiles at her*  
  
Zelda: *gasping for breath*  
  
Ruto: What's wrong blondie? Forgot to breathe?  
  
Mystic: So like I was saying I  
  
Ganon: You did that just to get off such a cool BURN!?  
  
Ruto: Yes I did *smiles proudly*  
  
Ganon: Care to join me? We could rule Hyrule together!  
  
Ruto: *weirded out now* I think I'll pass  
  
Link: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . no comment needed I think  
  
Mystic: Again I was trying to tell you  
  
Zelda: *freezes time and before anyone notices, Ruto is on the ground, unconscious* !@#$$ !@$#%$#! !%#$%! Ruto!  
  
Link & Ganon: Whoa.  
  
*Lulu's kids come out and drag Ruto back to the audience*  
  
Link: Looks like we need another performer now . . .  
  
Ganon: But the show hasn't even started  
  
Zelda: Fox must be getting a good laugh at this . . .  
  
Nabooru: *from the audience* Can I join in?  
  
All: No . . .  
  
Mystic: I told you guys that this way  
  
Malon: What about me?  
  
All: NO!!!  
  
Tingle: Howa 'bout me?  
  
All: NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Cel Link: I have an idea!  
  
Ganon: Yeah, what is it?  
  
Cel Link: Why don't we listen to the author for a moment?  
  
Mystic: Why thank you Cel! I'm a little sick *cough* and can't really scream out!  
  
Ganon: Me too. *cough* liar. *cough*  
  
Link: I think you're giving it to us *cough* bulls!@# *cough*  
  
Mystic: *smiles sweetly* I'll pretend I didn't hear that! Anyway, this episode all four performers will be Link!  
  
All except Link: WHAT???  
  
Mystic: I was trying to explain before but you guys wouldn't listen to me!  
  
Zelda: you can't be serious!  
  
Ganon: This show cannot go on with me!  
  
Mystic: You'll still be in it! Just not as performers this time!  
  
Both: Oh . . .  
  
Mystic: We'll bring out three other forms of Link: Cel Link will be one, young link, 16-bit Link, and our very own, my Link.  
  
Link: How old am I?  
  
Zelda: Judging by your di . . . Ganon: If Ruto isn't here to stop it, I will! No jokes about THAT!  
  
Mystic: Zelda, you'll be our host and Ganon, you can help out Saria!  
  
Saria: Don't I get a say in this?  
  
Mystic: Of course . . .not sweetheart!  
  
Ganon: But I can't play an instrument!  
  
Mystic: You'll learn  
  
Saria: I'm allergic to male Gerudos  
  
Mystic: Take some medication!  
  
Ganon: I eat small children for breakfast  
  
All: *face fault*  
  
Mystic: In the audience with you, NOW!  
  
Ganon: *proudly walks into the stands, takes a quick look over at Saria and licks his lips*  
  
Saria: *starts crying* He's gonna eat me!!!!!!  
  
Link: *goes over and comforts his best friend* Ganonndork, if you lay one hand on her, I'll take the Triforce of power and your hand with it!  
  
Ganon: Oooohh! I'm SO scared!  
  
Saria: *glares at Ganon and her eyes go green* Lets see how you like this, Mister Cucumber!  
  
*Suddenly a tree bursts out through the ground and traps Ganon in the inside of the Trunk, you can only see his face now and he's still alive and well, just can't move at all!*  
  
Ganon: Get me out of here you forest wench!  
  
Saria: What are you going to do? Spit on me? Glare some more? *giggles childishly*  
  
Zelda: By the goddesses. did one of the sages actually defend themselves instead of getting captured?  
  
Link: You mean like you?  
  
Zelda: Bite me, Link  
  
Link: You're an anorexic, blond twig, I'd have nothing to bite on!  
  
Zelda: You've already seen under the dress! You know I'm not!  
  
Link: That's as far as I got! You woulda burst if I had stuck my huge di.  
  
Ganon: STOP NOW!  
  
Zelda: Grrr . . .  
  
Link: Grrr . . .  
  
Zelda: Big headed . . .  
  
Link: Pig headed . . .  
  
Zelda: Soul Cailbur 2 . . . enough said!  
  
Link: Super smash bros melee and we all know no one played as you, Sheik was much better!  
  
Zelda: Bastard . . .  
  
Link: Cunt . . .  
  
Zelda: Go screw a cucco!  
  
Link: I wouldn't be able to find a virgin one, you've already done them all!  
  
Malon: *screams* You don't mean you'd actually do it, would you sweety?  
  
Zelda: He probably already has, I wondered why that blue cucco suddenly turned green!  
  
Malon: WHAT??? That's it! I'm breaking up with you!  
  
Link: Wait Malon, don't go!  
  
*she runs out*  
  
Link: Look what you did now, prostitute!  
  
Zelda: Your fault, not mine, cucco screwer!  
  
Link: I love you . . . Zelda: I love you too . . . lets make kids now!  
  
Link: How about after the show . . . *looking at the impatient Mystic* We better get started or she's going to kill us  
  
Zelda: She can't do that!  
  
*suddenly Link's head falls off*  
  
Zelda: LINK!!!!  
  
*it appears seconds later*  
  
Zelda: Um. I stand corrected!  
  
Mystic: Get going you guys! At this rate, we only have enough time for two games! Maybe less!  
  
Link: yes ma'm . . .  
  
Zelda: Right away! Let's get going!  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage. It isn't Rauru. or Ruto, it's the princess? I thought she was only an actor too! Wait, you already know what's going on . . .*  
  
Zelda: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are: From the bowels of the Deku Tree, it's Mystic's Link! From the hands of a cartoonist, it's Cel Link! Straight from the original Nintendo cartridge, it's 16-bit Link! From my bed last night, it's young link!  
  
Nabooru: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! She admits she's a child molester!  
  
Zelda: What of it?  
  
Nabooru: So you want to join the Gerudo clan or what?  
  
All: *face fault*  
  
*Zelda shudders and shakes her head, then takes a seat behind her desk. Darunia, instead of his usual seat behind the host, is standing next to the new Tree Ganonndorf with his usual Jerry Springer shirt getting ready to move it out of the audience's way*  
  
Zelda: Welcome again to the show. This is where we all never get along and the hosts don't matter! I'm your host, Princess Zelda of Hyrule! Ganon: Get over yourself!  
  
Zelda: I don't want to hear any comments from nature's peanut gallery over there!  
  
Ganon: . . . . . . . nice burn . . . . .  
  
Zelda: Here at Whose Triforce Is It Anyways, these four performers will act out scene based on what I tell them to, like in real life! At the end of each game, I will award points to the winners. The one with the most points at the end gets to do something special with me!  
  
Link: Can I forfeit now then?  
  
16-bit: Me too!  
  
Young Link: Me Three!  
  
Cel Link: Same here!  
  
Zelda: NOT THAT! Perverts . . .  
  
Nabooru: It wouldn't matter, you've done all of them anyway!  
  
Zelda: Shut up, I'm not a child molester!  
  
Nabooru: Hey! I admit it at least!  
  
Saria: You wanna join the Tree Gannondorf, Nabooru?  
  
Nabooru: *keeps her mouth shut now*  
  
Saria: *smiles innocently* Continue please!  
  
Zelda: . . . our first game is world's worst! Everyone will participate in this. When I pull an idea from the hat, they have to say the world's worst thing in that category! Let's go guys!  
  
*all of them slouch and slowly walk up to the main stage*  
  
Zelda: First one is, world's worst. video games? How'd this one get in here again?  
  
Link: *steps up* The Legend of Zelda: Zelda's child molesting adventures!  
  
Zelda: *buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz*  
  
16-bit: Final Fantasy 10 for the original Nintendo!  
  
Zelda: *buzz*  
  
Cel: Majora's Mask 2!  
  
Zelda: Stop bashing that game! It wasn't that bad!  
  
Cel: Can't help it, Wind Waker all the way!  
  
Zelda: You just say that because you're in it! *buzz*  
  
Young: Ocarina of Time 2: Tree Gannondorf strikes! Zelda: *chuckles, pointing and laughing and Gannondorf, buzz*  
  
16-bit: Soul Calibur 5: Nude fighters! Gamecube version including Link!  
  
Link: It's not funny anymore!  
  
Zelda: *buzz* Next category: World's worst date ideas!  
  
Young: Wanna go my cult meeting tonight?  
  
Zelda: *buzz*  
  
Link: Let's stay at home tonight and read Mystic's other fanfics!  
  
Mystic: Link . . .  
  
Link: Sorry master . . .  
  
*his head rolls off again*  
  
Cel: Why don't we go out and save my sister? She'd make an awesome three- some!  
  
Zelda: *buzz!!!*  
  
Young: You know, my house could use a fresh coat of paint.  
  
Zelda: *buzz* World's Worst Ocarina of time turn ons  
  
16-bit: Link . . .why are you jerking off in front of Impa?  
  
Zelda: eeeewwww.. *buzz*  
  
*Link gets his head back*  
  
Link: I didn't know male poes were so well endowed!  
  
Zelda: don't make us start using the homo link jokes again!  
  
Ganon: Link is gay! Link is gay!  
  
Zelda: Shut up Tree! *buzz*  
  
Cel: That Cucco has some fine legs . . .  
  
Zelda *buzz* and last, World's worst ways to scare Zelda . . . uh oh . . .  
  
Link: Zelda, I'm going out with Malon again!  
  
Zelda: WHAT????? *buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz*  
  
16-bit: They're remaking the second Zelda game for the Gamecube!  
  
Zelda: NNNNOOOOOO!!! *buzz buzz buzz*  
  
Cel: You're really my sister!  
  
Zelda: AHHHHHH! *buzz buzz buzz buzz*  
  
Young: I've already reported you to the authorities for having sex with me, you're no longer a princess!  
  
Zelda: Why you little . . . *buzz* Okay guys that's it!  
  
*all of them return to their seats, Link finally gets his head back*  
  
Zelda: None of you get points for that!  
  
Link: What a shame . . .  
  
Zelda: *ignores him* Our next and last game is Questions Only! You guys know how to play so get up there and start!*  
  
Ganon: But what if the viewers don't know?  
  
Zelda: Go read the second edition! Now start!  
  
*all of the Links go up and form two lines, 16-bit and Cel are up first*  
  
Zelda: Oh yeah, your scene is that you're fighting over who gets me, so there!  
  
All: aw man . . .  
  
*they all form two lines on stage*  
  
16-bit: Do you want her?  
  
Cel: Don't you already love her?  
  
16-bit: Can cartoons really love?  
  
Cel: Do pixilated characters have di.  
  
Ganon: That's enough! I swear you all are getting Link's influence!  
  
Young: Well we ARE him after all!  
  
Zelda: *buzz* Cel, you're getting replaced for creating a conversation that is distracting to the game!  
  
Cel: Thanks a lot, Gannondork!  
  
*Link steps up*  
  
16-bit: Do you love her?  
  
Link: Would I be here if I didn't?  
  
16-bit: Mind can't process question . . .  
  
Zelda: *buzz*  
  
16-bit: Gosh darnit . . .  
  
Nabooru: Gosh . . .?  
  
Ganon: Darnit?  
  
16-bit: I'm from the original Nintendo, what to you expect!?  
  
Young: Are you here to take her away?  
  
Link: Where do you want me to take her?  
  
Young: To the depths of hell!  
  
Zelda: *buzz buzz* Little boys shouldn't talk about their elders like that!  
  
Young: Hell yeah they should, especially when its you! Hehehe!  
  
Zelda: Grrr . . . disrespectful little . . . with a small di . . .  
  
Ganon: SSSTTTOOPPPP!!!  
  
Nabooru: Maybe you should have covered up his mouth, Saria?  
  
Saria: Darunia, can you fix this problem for us?  
  
*Darunia stomps up and covers Ganonndorf's mouth with one of his huge paws, winking back at the two girls*  
  
Cel: How about Death mountain?  
  
16-bit: What about the depths of Lake Hylia?  
  
Cel: Is that her favorite place?  
  
16-bit: Isn't that the wrong princess?  
  
Cel: Shouldn't we ask her first?  
  
16-bit: No she's too busy screwing a cucco . . . oh oops . . .  
  
Zelda: *buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz*  
  
Link: Has she finished screwing the cucco?  
  
Cel: Hasn't she just started?  
  
Link: How should I know?  
  
Cel: Didn't you have it last?  
  
Link: Wasn't I AFTER you?  
  
Cel: Isn't the cucco getting around?  
  
Link: I . . well . . .grrr!!!!!  
  
Zelda: *buzz buzz buzz* That's the end of the game anyway, you bunch of sickos! And that's the end of this edition of Whose Triforce is it anyways! Thank the goddesses . . . come back next time to see four new performers, we hope, and lots more cucco action! *covers her mouth gasp* um, I mean improvisation action! 


	7. Seventh Edition

The comeback of Whose Triforce is it Anyways!!! Okay, so I've been gone for a while again, but now we're back and going back to the roots that got this fan fiction. well maybe one or two fans to it! Reviewers, thanks for convincing me to torture the Zelda fans community by writing another!  
  
Whose Triforce is it Anyways? The Seventh Edition!  
  
*Zelda's head pokes out from behind the stage, her hair a mess and her clothes half on*  
  
Zelda: Please don't do another all Link special..  
  
Ganon: We'll pay you 1000 Rupees!  
  
Mystic: I don't live in Hyrule! And Link! Get off of her now! Save that for another fanfic, not mine!  
  
*Both grumble and get up. Ruto finally wakes up in one of the chairs on stage after being unconscious for a WHOLE edition, what a shame, huh?*  
  
Ruto: Huh..? What's going on? Wait, does that say what I think it does? This isn't another.  
  
Zelda: Shut up Zora slut! ..Hey! That kinda rhymes!  
  
Ruto: Go screw a cucco, you dumb blond!  
  
Zelda: I wouldn't be talking, you look a little blue, forget to breathe yourself?  
  
Ruto: I'm a Zora you idiot! I'm supposed to be this color!  
  
Zelda: Hehe. How about we change that.  
  
*All of a sudden time stops for an instant, only those with the triforces can tell. well that and the readers of course. When time returns, Ruto is down on the ground, conscious. her face red as she's lying on the ground*  
  
Zelda: Red is a much prettier color!  
  
Ganon & Link: BURN!!!!  
  
Mystic: Wait a minute!!! You can't do that!!! We were supposed to have her as a performer today!  
  
Link: Well she didn't last very long, did she?  
  
Mystic: What am I supposed to do now? Malon broke up with you so she won't do the show.  
  
Zelda: Thank the goddesses..  
  
Mystic: I do NOT need another comment from the bitchy peanut gallery!  
  
Zelda: How dare you call me that!  
  
Mystic: I can if I want to, I'm the author!  
  
Zelda: Yeah? Well I'm the Sage of time!  
  
Mystic: *types a little bit on her keyboard and suddenly Zelda is a cucco*  
  
Ganon & Link: ....  
  
Mystic: *booming voice* ANYONE ELSE WANT TO TRY ME TODAY?  
  
Ganon: Whoa. calm down on the pms medicine.  
  
Mystic: WHAT?????  
  
Ganon: Nothing! Anyway, how about a million rupees?  
  
Link: There was nothing wrong with that episode! Wait a minute. didn't we turn you into a tree?  
  
Ganon: I'm the king of evil, I can beat a sage's puny power anyday!  
  
Link: What did you do to Saria, Gannondork  
  
Ganon: Call me that again and I'll never tell you  
  
Nabooru: *hits Link over the head, pointing to the ocarina set* She's right over there, kid.  
  
Saria: *waves* I let him go this morning. he promised to stop terrorizing Hyrule!  
  
All: AND YOU BELIEVED HIM????  
  
Ganon: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Mystic: Enough you guys! What am I supposed to do about two more actors? This is more important than your land!  
  
Nabooru: I could do it.!  
  
Mystic: I mean we need some one with experience on the show.  
  
Nabooru: Right here!  
  
Mystic: Has to be really witty.  
  
Nabooru: I'm all wit! Right here!  
  
Mystic: Preferably a girl or two since I already do obnoxious guys.  
  
Ganon & Link: Hey!!  
  
Nabooru: Look I'm a girl *flashes everyone*  
  
Everyone: *facefault*  
  
Dampe: *out in the audience, waving his hand* Young lady. um. I mean, I don't believe you yet.. I'm going to have to see those again!  
  
Mystic: I know who!  
  
Nabooru: Yes me!!!  
  
Mystic: I can wake up Ruto!!! I used her in the first one. she should be okay!  
  
*Mystic snaps her fingers and Ruto automatically wakes up. but as she does, angry Zelda fans suddenly pull Mystic into the back*  
  
Mystic: hey what are you guys.. *boom* Ouch! *bam* Hey!! *crash crash crash* LEMME GO!!!!  
  
Ganon: Boy, she's screaming a lot today, isn't she?  
  
*Zelda automatically turns into a human again*  
  
Ruto and Zelda: What just happened?  
  
Link: Mystic is getting mauled by Zelda's fans because she woke Ruto up to perform.  
  
Ruto: There's no sense in that! I'm a better host than a performer!  
  
Zelda: We can tell  
  
Ruto: Don't start this again whore  
  
Zelda: Start what hell fish?  
  
Ruto: Start THIS daddy's little land's bicycle!  
  
Link: Um, I don't get it  
  
Zelda: Did you know your race swims like sperm??  
  
Ganon: That means basically she has been "ridden" by everyone in Hyrule  
  
Ruto: My temple is bigger than yours. trying to compensate for something?  
  
Nabooru: Hey!! I still want to play!!!  
  
Link: Ridden?  
  
Zelda: At least I have breasts!  
  
Ganon: Don't act stupid, you know what that means  
  
Ruto: That's only because Nintendo graphic artists are a bunch of pussies!  
  
Link: Yea, I guess I do  
  
Zelda: Hmm, now that you mention it, I got the short end of the stick too  
  
Nabooru: I'm STILL here!!!  
  
Mystic: *stumbles out, looking really beat up* I leave for a moment and it turns into chaos out here?  
  
Saria: Of course Miss Mystic! It's always like this!  
  
Mystic: Right. well Ruto get in the damn host's chair, Nabooru and Zelda, sit down before I change my mind  
  
Zelda: Or my fans do you mean? *winks at Mystic*  
  
Mystic: Revenge will be mine! Resistance is futile!  
  
Link: Wrong series  
  
Ganon: Yeah, what have you been smoking lately?  
  
Nabooru: Why are you guys getting along so well?  
  
Link: How can we not? Ruto and Zelda take up most of the fighting!  
  
Ganon: we've become friends! *puts his arm around Link*  
  
Link: Take it off, now!  
  
Ganon: *snickers* What? Don't want to be my friend?  
  
Link: No I don't, Gannondork!  
  
Ganon: *snickers again* What you didn't like last night?  
  
Everyone: WHAT????  
  
Ruto: Wait?  
  
Zelda: Is Link?  
  
Nabooru: Really gay?  
  
Link: I told you over and over again that movie sucked and you talked all the way through it!  
  
All 3: *sigh of relief*  
  
Mystic: Guys. remember a little parody fanfic I was writing called Whose Triforce is it Anyways?  
  
All: yeah.  
  
Mystic: well you guys REALLY need to actually start it sometime!!!  
  
All: Okay okay!  
  
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage. Ruto's back at the desk! Cheers of the audience can be heard from all over*  
  
Ruto: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it Anyways? This edition we have: the audience-flasher, Nabooru! The Cucco-basher, Princess Zelda! The evil- masher, Link! And finally the wal-mart-casher, Gannondork!  
  
Ganon: Why can't you ever get my name right?  
  
Nabooru: Well I just did flash them  
  
Dampe: Encore!!  
  
Zelda: You're going to get yours soon enough, Ruto!  
  
Ruto: yeah, right!  
  
Link: Hey, I liked mine!  
  
All: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Ruto: Anyways, I'm your host, Princess Ruto of the Zoras! Come on down and let's embarrass some video game characters!  
  
*she walks down to her desk and smiles at the camera*  
  
Ruto: Welcome to the show where four performers battle it out improv style for a huge prize!  
  
Link: A prize?  
  
Ruto: Yep! Meaningless points!  
  
All 4: *facefault*  
  
Ruto: You all know the rules and if you don't, why did you read this edition first? Get your butts back to the first edition and start reading! Now our first game is a very old favorite on this show and the best one, according to our wonderful author, on the real show! It's a Hoedown!!  
  
Audience: YAY!!!  
  
Mystic: *puts away the guns and starts handing out dollars*  
  
*all the performers grumble and stand up*  
  
Ruto: Okay, audience, what game out there should our characters really be in?  
  
Dampe: BMXXX!!!  
  
Ruto: Pervert, shouldn't you be dead?  
  
Dampe: Not until I get my hookshot back!  
  
Link: You can have it back! I got a better one two temples later anyway!  
  
Malon: Dead or Alive extreme beach volleyball!  
  
Ruto: Why are you still here? Nevermind, don't answer that!  
  
Cel Link: Soul Calibur 2!  
  
Ruto: Why did I know someone was going to say that?  
  
Darunia: Final Fantasy VII!!!!  
  
Ruto: wow! That sounds like a good idea now!  
  
All: *sarcasm starts dripping off of them* Great, just great!  
  
Ruto: Alright your category is, The Legend of Zelda fantasy VII! Saria, music!  
  
*she starts playing her ocarina in the usual hoedown music! The performers start pretending to dance a little bit*  
  
Nabooru: I wish I could be Aeris from FF7 Everytime I'd be looked at, I'd send the person to heaven! I've be the most beautiful character of all! Oh look here comes Sephy! Wait! Stop your fall!!  
  
*she pretends to be stabbed and lays on the ground twitching every so often. The music still plays on*  
  
Ganon: I'm going to be Sephiroth, the great! I won't mess up like his sorry ass, his tactics I will debate! When Cloud tries to get me, I won't go into, um, fearia? Because I'll just bring out My Knights of the Round materia!  
  
*they all dance, and Zelda steps up, grumbling over at Nabooru*  
  
Zelda: You little stealing desert bitch, I wanted to be her too! The object of everyone's attention, hated by only few! Sephiroth wouldn't get to get to me, I'd always be wild! If he jumped, my staff would be up, and boom! he couldn't have a child!  
  
*dances a little around Nabooru, acting like the stronger one. Nabooru grabs her foot and trips her to the ground and they both end up fighting on the ground, yet the music still continues?*  
  
Ganon: Of course I'm going to be the hero of a game Cloud is just the character who would bring me to fame! I'd get up my huge sword and send sephy to the, um, morguey? Then I would take all three girls and have a bigger orgy!  
  
Ganon and Link only: Have a bigger orgy!!!!!!  
  
*As the music ends, the two of them break the girls apart and put them in chairs, bowing to the audience a little*  
  
Zelda: Let me at her, stupid thief!  
  
Nabooru: Is that the best your could come up with, Stalfos fu  
  
Ganon: Don't you even say THAT word!  
  
Link: Oh you mean like if I said that before the show me and Zelda were fu  
  
Ganon: Yes THAT one!  
  
Ruto: But what if I said you and Link before that movie were fu  
  
Ganon: We were NOT and no you cannot use THAT word!  
  
Link: Well what if I just said I had a big di  
  
Ganon: Damn you, you dick-sucking, fucking hero of the homos!  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Zelda: Did he?  
  
Ruto: Just say?  
  
Nabooru: The words he wouldn't let us?  
  
Mystic: Boy am I glad I made this fic rated R now!  
  
Ruto: *still shocked* No points, you guys are really getting bad at this. Let's get to our next game, shall we? It's time for our last game of the night!  
  
Link: Why the last? There are only two games? The real guys do lots more!  
  
Ruto: Because our dear author needs to keep this series going if the readers like it!  
  
All: Oh.  
  
Ruto: Our last game is the dating game! Nabooru, you're the contestant on a dating game and the rest of you are eligible bachelors! Isn't that just great?  
  
Zelda: I'm not a bachelor!  
  
Link: I'm not eligible!  
  
Ganon: I don't want to be on a dating game!  
  
Nabooru: Shut up all of you and play the game, pussies!  
  
Zelda: Why don't you go screw young Link again?  
  
Link: He's still here? I thought I pushed him back to the time portal!  
  
Nabooru: Oh yeah, he says I was the best he's EVER had!  
  
Zelda: *turns to Link* Is that true?  
  
Link: Well um, no it, well, actually  
  
Nabooru: Ha! Maybe you need some lessons, Princess?  
  
Ganon: BURN!!!!!!!!  
  
Ruto: Game!!! Now!!!  
  
*each of them takes a seat on a stool and reads the card on their seat*  
  
Zelda: *picks up her card, it says: Child molester*  
  
Link: *picks up his card, it says: a Moogle. He whispers over to Mystic* You've been playing Final fantasy instead of me again, haven't you?  
  
Mystic: *looks down* . . . yes  
  
Ganon: *picks up his card, it says: Harry Potter* Great! How am I supposed to know anything about this???  
  
Ruto: Alright guys, start!  
  
Nabooru: *sits up straight, brushing back her hair a million times* So Bachelor number one?  
  
Zelda: Yeah?  
  
Nabooru: What's your idea of the perfect date?  
  
Zelda: *thinks about it for the minute and looks down with a mischievous look on her face* Well, it would be me and you . . . wait how old are you? I mean I do have an age limit here of around 13! Anyway, we'd probably be in my bedroom, I think I might have some rope that would fit your wrists!  
  
Nabooru: *grumbles, already knows* I do not act that way! *ahem* Anyway, bachelor number 2? Same Question!  
  
Link: *knows only one thing about Moogles* Kupo! Kupo! Kupo! Kupo! Kupo! Kupo! Kupo!  
  
Nabooru: Whatever! Bachelor Number 3!  
  
Ganon: Yes?  
  
Nabooru: How old are you and what are your bedroom habits?  
  
Ganon: *scratches his head* I think I'm like what, 12? I usually like to create a lot of, um, magic in the bedroom! Playing that game with the brooms and a ball, and finding things about some sort of order of a phoenix?  
  
Nabooru: *sighs* Alright Bachelor 1? What is your favorite S&M move?  
  
Zelda: Oh that's easy! Putting a little boy in the bathtub filled halfway with water again then I would  
  
Mystic: Guys!! This is rated R, not XXX!  
  
Nabooru: Alright! Alright! Bachelor number 2?  
  
Link: Kupo?  
  
Nabooru: Nevermind! Bachelor number 3? What is your closet filled with?  
  
Ganon: Um, magical condoms that increase my di . . . oops! Not supposed to say that!  
  
Ruto: *buzz buzz buzz* Ganonndork! Learn to stay in character! Nabooru, if you don't get these guesses right, I'm going to personally murder you!  
  
Nabooru: Zelda is me, right?  
  
Ruto: Close enough, she's a child molester  
  
Nabooru: Oh, okay, no problem! Number 2 is well, what's it called, maybe it starts with a c? or a m? I have no clue!  
  
Mystic: IT'S A MOOGLE!!!  
  
Nabooru: How long have you wanted to say that??  
  
Mystic: The last 2 minutes?  
  
Ruto: Okay, and Ganonndork?  
  
Nabooru: I think he's Harry Potter, but it looks like he hasn't read any of the books!  
  
Ganon: Damn straight I haven't that series is awful!  
  
Mystic: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!!!  
  
Ganon: Uh oh  
  
*Mystic starts chasing Ganon around the stage, Nabooru, link and Zelda behind trying to stop her before she actually kills him*  
  
Ruto: Um, right! That's another edition of Whose Triforce is it anyway! Stay tuned for further editions! If Mystic stops being lazy and gets a lot of feedback! 


End file.
